interloper slash outcast
by Felix McKraken
Summary: The universe is thrown into chaos when the afterlife begins to fall apart. Toss in ninjas, giant snakes, and the defeated enemies of past sagas and things really start getting complicated. Are Vegeta's mood swings related somehow? Hint: Yes.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**  
  
Earth's savior, also known as Goku, had yet again recently passed on. The difference in this time as opposed to others was that the happy hero had declined the offer to return to the realm of the living. He was thoroughly enjoying his new "life", which ironically was given to him through death. This fact, however, had a set of its own problems to go along with it, though our bumbling Saijin friend was completely unaware. Instead, he was training under the close supervision of King Kai, the Kai in charge of the North Quad. A tournament was coming up in the afterlife, one that Goku was sure he wouldn't miss for the world. Not that he seemed to miss Earth that much, either.  
  
However, during his one million, five hundred sixty-seven thousand, and eight hundred twenty-third push-up, a strange looking character came running in the direction of the Saijin and the god. The funny little man was wearing a similar outfit to that of King Kai's, which vaguely sparked Goku's interest. What would have really interested him would be something involving a fight or food. The man was not offering either. Instead the creature came panting, out of breath, frantically speaking in incoherent outbursts. He clutched onto King Kai's outfit, shaking with what seemed to be terror. Goku did his one million, five hundred sixty-seven thousand, and eight hundred twenty-fourth push-up. Gasping the purple-skinned man nearly fell over, "...COME...QUICK....GRAND KAI...SICK...."  
  
King Kai, to say the least, spassed in a very bad way. "THE GRAND KAI IS SICK!?!?" the joker spat out, not believing his ears. The other man nodded furiously, his hand still fisted in King Kai's outfit.  
  
"Why don't you just get him some medicine?" Goku suggested, doing his one million, five hundred sixty-seven thousand, and eight hundred twenty-seventh push-up.  
  
"It's not that simple!" King Kai snapped, his eyebrows still raised with surprise, "The Grand Kai is the god of all things! He's more powerful than me!"  
  
Goku abruptly halted in the middle of his current push-up, "There's a god more powerful than you?"  
  
King Kai nodded, carefully peeling the purple-skinned man off of him, "Yes, that's right."  
  
Goku was still frozen in place, "Well, if he's more powerful than you, how did he get sick?"  
  
The new arrival finally caught his breath, "We have a few leads."  
  
The black-haired Saijin simply stared, one eyebrow raising, "You make it sound like someone did this to him."  
  
The stranger, too, spassed in a bad way, "Well OF COURSE! Do YOU believe the Grand Kai can normally get SICK!?"  
  
Goku looked at the ground in thought, "Well, if the Grand Kai is the most powerful god in the universe, then who could possibly make him sick?" A very uncomfortable pause ensued before Goku interrupted it with a large groan. As the two stared at him, he collapsed onto the ground. Explaining himself, Goku said, "I forgot what push-up I was on."  
  
Meanwhile, on Earth, things had progressed rather nicely despite the fact that the planet lacked Goku's goofy presence. Instead, it had to find the next best thing, which unfortunately, was Vegeta. The man had refused to stop training, and besides eating, this was just about all he did. Sleep was for the weak. Most seemed to perceive that the prince had immediately gotten over Goku's death when this was far from the truth. It still pissed him off to this day that the stupid idiot sacrificed his life only to fail in his mission. That on top of the fact that, as an even stupider choice, he had decided to stay in the afterlife. Vegeta liked to muse that this was because Goku was afraid of him, though he knew this wasn't true. No, the Prince of Saijins couldn't delude himself THAT bad. But almost as bad. Enough to make him believe in what he did, but lacking the "umph" to make him completely insane. Little did Vegeta know, things were going to change very soon. In fact, no one on Earth had a clue. In fact...no one in the universe knew about what was to come. Except for one person. That person's name was Seth.  
  
Seth was, as you could say, not the best of people. 


	2. I. Vegeta's First Mood Swing

**I. Vegeta's First Mood Swing**  
  
Bulma was inventing an automatic can compactor one normal day, when she heard, from an adjacent room, a girl screaming. She stopped what she did and blinked, unsure what to make of it. A moment later, however, the scream echoed down the hallways again. She blinked. Again, a few seconds later, the scream reached her ears. Getting curious, she stood up and put down her invention to find the source of the outburst. Though one might have been scared of a random girl screaming, the fact that this was rather repetitive (the same scream) didn't cause Bulma do be upset in the least. Besides, Vegeta was home. If anyone wanted to start some shit, she'd say "Bring it on, bitch." and grin that stupid grin of hers. After about five more times of the girl screaming, Bulma started to get irritated. 'It sounds like a dying cat,' she thought miserably, picking up her pace to make the noise stop.  
  
Quite pissed by the time she reached the living room, she idly watched Vegeta in a cross between curiosity and anger. After the girl screamed three more times, however, the blue-haired lady refused to take anymore of it, "Vegeta...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?"  
  
The Saijin looked over his shoulder, the girl screaming yet again, "Hn?"  
  
Bulma angrily marched over and unplugged the TV set from the wall, "I _said_..WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!"  
  
Vegeta blinked, letting a pause run longer than it should, "Watching the television."  
  
Bulma stared at him for a moment, "Then what the hell was with the screaming!?"  
  
Vegeta blinked, but other than that, didn't move, "I was watching a movie. A horror as you humans call it. I didn't understand why it was supposed to be scary."  
  
Bulma blinked, wondering why she decided to choose such a dense guy for her boyfriend, "Vegeta, you're so STUPID!"  
  
Vegeta tried his best not to laugh at the pathetic insult, "Hn."  
  
Bulma gave an aggravated sigh, "YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!"  
  
Vegeta blinked, unmoving, "Hn." Resisting the urge to attempt to hurt him she merely plugged the TV back in, giving the previously silenced girl her voice back. "He shouldn't have stabbed her there," Vegeta mentioned, tilting his head to the side, "See, he missed a vital organ. If he wanted to do some damage he should've twisted."  
  
Bulma grit her teeth, "That is so disgusting, Vegeta."  
  
The prince didn't seem phased in the least, "Woman, you are so weak."  
  
Bulma pushed the TV over, breaking it, "Go outside, Vegeta."  
  
Vegeta blinked, "Hn."  
  
***  
  
Walking down the street, the Prince of Saijins mused as to why he had listened to that woman at all. Though it had surprised him when she had resorted to violence, a thing she swore she'd never do. He chuckled to himself, sensing that he was rubbing off on her just a tad. He suddenly stopped on the sidewalk, turning to look at the building he had come to - which happened to be a library. For some unknown reason he was drawn to the house of knowledge and he went inside to gaze across the shelves of literature. Walking around aimlessly he randomly picked up a book to find it was on anatomy. Bored to death, or slightly interested, Vegeta took a seat at a table and began to flip through the pages. 'Humans aren't that different from Saijins,' the prince thought, examining intricate diagrams.  
  
"Hey man," a grungy teenager said, leaning over from the table next to him, "Don't waste your time on that." Vegeta raised an eyebrow, wondering if the boy was currently high on some drugs. "Here man," the boy said, turning and sifting through a pile of books, "Take this. Trust me." Vegeta glanced at the cover which was plain save for that of bold capital letters proclaiming "KARMA SUTRA". The teen gave him a wink and a nod before turning away. Sensing a strangeness to the book Vegeta stuffed it under his shirt and made a swift exit.  
  
***  
  
Stepping into Capsule Corp, Vegeta noticed that the TV was still on the ground broken, but Bulma was no longer around. Kicking off his boots he padded upstairs to his room, dropping himself onto the bed. Curiosity was eating away at the small man and he pulled out the book, examining it's cover once more before opening to a random page. His eyes widened and he nearly choked on his own spit as he realized what type of book it was that the foolish teenager had handed him. Flipping around aimlessly he could only think about how strange humans were.  
  
"Vegeta?" Bulma's voice suddenly asked, the door opening. The prince nearly had a heart attack, throwing the book backwards and out his open window, letting fate carry it elsewhere. "Oh there you are," the scientist said, "Look, dinner will be ready in a few minutes, ok? I'm going to go tell Trunks." Vegeta didn't understand why he had suddenly felt so embarrassed, and after thinking about it he got quite upset with himself for acting so stupid.  
  
"Hn," he said, glaring at nothing.  
  
***  
  
Trunks was a regular young teenager that was starting his journey into adulthood. As such this permitted him to stay up late and sleep into all sorts of strange hours in the day. He was abruptly awoken when a large object smacked him in the face. Groaning, Trunks pulled the object off to find that it was a book. A random page in it showed two people engaged in sexual intercourse, causing the half-Saijin to not only stare in shock, but wonder where exactly it was that the book had come from. It seemingly flew in on the wind and hit him on the head. 'Maybe it's a sign from above,' Trunks mused to himself, still staring at the pictures within the book. Before he had time to react, however, the door to his room opened and his mother stepped inside.  
  
"Trunks, honey, it's time for dinner," she announced, her gaze falling from her son's shocked face to the book he held in his hands, "What's that you have there...?" Trunks wasn't sure what to do, whether hand Bulma the book or chuck it out the window the way it came in. He didn't move. Bulma approached with caution.  
  
***  
  
Vegeta sat at the table, waiting for his woman and son to join him so he could eat. Sighing, he drummed his fingers on the table-top, a bored expression on his face. The scene from the horror movie replayed inside his head and he smirked. The blood had been so fake. Suddenly, a thunder of footsteps approached, and with idle fascination Vegeta found Bulma running toward him, looking more panicked than she ever had in her whole life. "Vegeta! Vegeta!" she wailed, looking as if she was about to cry, "Our little boy is growing up!!"  
  
Vegeta's lips upturned into a forced smirk before falling again, "Hn."  
  
Bulma paced, unable to keep still, "Vegeta! We...we have to give him the talk!"  
  
Vegeta quirked an eyebrow lazily, "The what?"  
  
"You know..._the_ talk."  
  
"No. I don't know."  
  
"YOU KNOW...._THE_ TALK..?"  
  
"Oh, yes, woman, you're being so descriptive. _The_ talk, like that doesn't narrow down the thousands of categories it could be about."  
  
Bulma was exasperated, "Sex! We need to give him the _sex_ talk!"  
  
Vegeta sat back in his chair, "Why didn't you just say that in the first place?"  
  
Bulma nearly sobbed, burying her face in her hands, "Why me?"  
  
Vegeta toyed with the silverware, "So when are we going to eat?"  
  
The blue-haired lady's mood instantly took a different turn, "No way! We're not eating until our son knows how to have safe sex!"  
  
Vegeta frowned, his hands dropping the silverware back onto the table, "Then go talk to him."  
  
Bulma gripped the back of a chair and squeezed, "_I_ can't give it to him! I'm his mother! _You_ have to talk to him!"  
  
Vegeta didn't seem intrigued in the slightest, only uttering, "Hn."  
  
Bulma went over and tugged on him, "Go! Now! Talk to your son about the birds and the bees!"  
  
Vegeta calmly walked forward despite Bulma's pushes; looking over his shoulder he questioned, "The what?"  
  
Bulma yelled in his ears, "SEX! Talk to him about SEX!!"  
  
The scientist marched them right up to Trunks' door, opened the door, and pushed Vegeta inside to deal with it. Vegeta muttered something under his breath as the door shut, leaving father and son alone. "Hey boy," the prince addressed his offspring, "Your mother demanded we have the talk about sex." Trunks groaned and fell back against his bed, terribly embarrassed already. "Don't worry, I'm not going to lecture you," Vegeta said, walking up to the boy's bed and sitting on the edge of it, "I'm fully aware that you already know how to do it. It's instinct. Humans are so strange..trying to explain instinct. Hn, just a waste of breath. Instead how about this..."  
  
He trailed off as his eyes caught sight of the Karma Sutra book that lay on Trunks' nightstand. He opened his mouth to ask his son how he had acquired it, but decided against it. "Here," Vegeta said, taking the book, "Move over." Trunks did as commanded and the two royal Saijins spread themselves across Trunks' bed. Flipping open to a random page, Vegeta tilted his head, "Humans can bend like that?"  
  
Trunks cleared his throat, "Yeah, dad."  
  
Vegeta nodded, a smirk on his face, "Cool."  
  
Trunks gave a nervous smile, chuckling lightly at his father's strange attitude, "Dad, are you feeling okay?"  
  
Vegeta shrugged, flipping through the pages randomly till he saw something that sparked his interest, "Yes, of course I am.....Hey, look at that, that's a good position, don't you think Trunks?"  
  
Trunks peered at the book, blushing thoroughly, "Yeah, dad, sure."  
  
Vegeta merely nodded, "Hn."  
  
The bonding commenced under the strange circumstances, twenty to thirty minutes passing. "Hey Trunks?" Vegeta questioned, turning to look his son straight in the eyes, "I just wanted to tell you, I love you."  
  
The half-Saijin gave a nervous laugh, "Ah...dad...that's just weird that you say that when we're looking at a book all about sex."  
  
Vegeta shrugged and ruffled his son's hair, "If I don't say it now, I'll probably never say it. I'm proud of you."  
  
Trunks gave the brightest happiest smile of his life, "Thanks dad, I love you too."  
  
Vegeta nodded, scanning a few more pages, "I just want you to know..." The words came out of, seemingly, nowhere, "...that if you decide that you're gay, I'll understand."  
  
Trunks swallowed, unsure if he should laugh or be worried, "Uh..thanks dad. Good to know. Are you sure you're fine?"  
  
Vegeta cast him another look, "Of course I am."  
  
And of course, this was far from the truth. Vegeta was not okay. He was far from okay. In fact, with each passing second he became more and more less okay. Vegeta, however, was blissfully unaware. 


	3. II. The First Victim Falls at Mardi Gras

**II. The First Victim Falls at Mardi Gras**  
  
After the Grand Kai's health began to deteriorate, his power seemed to dwindle with him. The four directional Kais had been trying to run things as best as they could, but it didn't seem enough. Mass confusion and rumors began to spread throughout the afterlife, getting everyone talking. The only people who seemed unaware of the situation involving the Grand Kai was the living. Goku still trained, hoping that the tournament was still on. Things were running rather smoothly considering, and the air of the situation seemed to say that the tide would be changing soon - and fools as everyone was, they believed it to be for the better.  
  
How wrong they were when a seemingly normal dead person suddenly shed their skin. A snake wielding a large weapon hissed as it crawled out of the epidermis. Flexing its wings, the line to the afterlife parted in its presence. Its tail swung its weapon around as it slithered towards the large desk in front, the handle topped with a two sided weapon - a combination of a sledgehammer and a machete. "Where isssss Hell?" the snake hissed, its wings fully outstretched to reveal its glorious coloring. Everyone stared; a few blinked.  
  
Snarling, the snake smashed the sledgehammer part of its weapon against the large desk, "I have a messsssage for sssssomeone. Where isssss Hell?" No one knew quite what to do. "Assssssholes," the snake hissed, whipping his tail around, morphing the weapon into what looked like a mace. Swinging it around, the snake busted a hole in the middle of the air, shards of reality crumbled before it as the weapon took quite a beating itself. Hissing complaints, the snake slithered through the hole it made, and there after, the hole sealed itself up.  
  
***  
  
Cell had just recently been sent to Hell, but he was glad to find, upon arrival, that others there hated Goku and his friends as much as he did. Frieza was quite an interesting fellow and Cell took a fond liking to him, probably attributed to the fact that the android retained some of the Cold family cells. Being stronger than anyone else in Hell, Cell had a good ole time picking fights. He'd purposely piss people off, and for that reason he nicknamed Freiza: "Little Bitch". Sometimes in jest Cell would attempt a racial slur and call Frieza a "cracker", but the albino changeling silently fumed before mentioning how Goku's son had killed him. Nonetheless, Hell was like one big, happy, seriously fucked up family.  
  
Most the time nothing really happened - nothing too major. The Ginyu Force played rock, paper, scissors on a daily basis and sometimes arm wrestling tournaments were held. Today, however, Cell was casually playing a game of un-strip poker with Frieza and some other random people who decided to drop by. Cell was winning, only wearing a pair of boxer shorts. Frieza was doing quite bad as he had underwear, pants, and socks on. They created the game when realizing strip poker was out of the question because they were already naked. "Two pair," Frieza called, setting his cards down.  
  
"Three of a kind," replied Cell with a grin, "You lose once more, Little Bitch."  
  
It was at that moment a large hole punched itself out of the air and a large winged snake came through. "What the-??" Zarbon asked, stopping his motions in the middle of brushing his hair.  
  
"You," the snake hissed, whirling its tail to reshape his weapon into the former machete-sledgehammer combination. It held the machete tip against Frieza's throat, "Issss thissss Hell?"  
  
Frieza blinked, somehow utterly calm despite the fact the blade could easily tear his throat apart. "Yes," was all the former tyrant could muster.  
  
The snake withdrew its weapon and then showed everyone its lovely wingspan, "Where issss the one called Anubissss?" The card players and the other small group assembled looked at each other.  
  
"There is no one named Anubis here," Cell stated, reshuffling the deck.  
  
"Anubissss isssss not here??" the snake hissed in amazement, "He wassss not condemned?" The group looked at itself again.  
  
"What a silly creature," Frieza mentioned.  
  
"You got that right, Little Bitch," Cell muttered, dealing out the deck again. Furious, the snake pounded the ground with its hammer, causing an earthquake across the entire land of Hell.  
  
"Crikey!" Zarbon shouted, trying to brace himself.  
  
The snake swung its tail, its weapon disappearing all together. Its tip wrapped around Cell's neck, squeezing tightly to the point where Cell could barely breathe, "Where issss Anubisss!? Where did he go!?"  
  
Cell grasped at the smooth scales, attempting to get more air to his lungs, "I don't know! I don't know who Anubis is!"  
  
Roaring, the snake dropped Cell and flapped its wings, "I'm only a messssanger! Tell Anubissss he will regret hissss final dayssss once more! Becaussse of him, anarchy will reign ssssupreme in the afterlife! Until he issss found, the darknessss will continue to feed off of the Grand Kai. Already holessss appear! Already the dead flee back to the world of the living!"  
  
Cell rubbed the back of his neck, not interested in the speech until the last few sentences, "Holes? World of the living? Are you saying people are escaping?"  
  
The snake lashed its tail in agitation, "Sssssee for yoursssself! Tell Anubissss he caussssessss thisss great pain! If you leave, find him and track him or thisss madnesssssss will not ssstop!" With a growl of irritation the snake spun itself into a cyclone, and when the wind faded off, the snake faded along with it.  
  
"Guys, look at this," Zarbon said, pointing to a hole in a nearby wall. Peering inside they could see an outline of a certain blue-green planet. Grinning like mad men, each made their jump through the hole.  
  
***  
  
"Vegeta, you are such a jerk!" Bulma screeched, pathetically punching his upper arm, "How can you be so cold??"  
  
He didn't even look at her, "Hn."  
  
Trunks followed silently, though closely, behind. His ponderings were of rather important matter that didn't seem like such at the time, 'What is up with dad? Two days ago we were on my bed reading Karma Sutra and now he's just back to his regular self. What's wrong with him? Maybe something he doesn't himself realize..?' Trunks had no idea how he had hit the nail on the head.  
  
The family moved through the crowd of people who were dancing, drinking, and partying. Bulma thought that they needed a vacation and had chosen to go to Mardi Gras. She now regretted the action as she couldn't get Vegeta to open up to her in the slightest. In fact, he was acting a lot worse than he had in a long time. "Are you even listening to me!?" Bulma screamed, blocking Vegeta's path.  
  
"If you don't remove yourself, I'll have to do it for you," he warned flatly, his arms folded.  
  
"The FUCK is wrong with you!?" Bulma yelled, nearly falling into hysterics, "Does this have to do with what happened the day before yesterday!?"  
  
Vegeta blinked, raising one eyebrow slightly, fumbling for just a second, "N-No."  
  
Bulma calmed slightly, sensing something off about the situation, "All I'm asking is for you to show a little kindness. Can you do that?"  
  
Vegeta's lips pushed out the word before he even realized what he was doing, "Yes." They stopped at the corner of an intersection, Vegeta's eyes catching hold of an old woman who seemed to be by herself. Disentangling himself from his family, the Saijin walked up to her and asked, "Do you mind if I walk you across the street?" Why he was doing this, he had no clue. His mind felt foggy in a strange sort of clear way. Comfortably numb would be a better description.  
  
"That's very kind, young man," the lady croaked, hooking her arm around Vegeta's offered elbow. The sign flashed that it was okay to walk and the crowd began its journey.  
  
It was just then that a familiar voice taunted, "I never imagined the princeling would help the elderly!" Vegeta's cool calmness went flying out the nearest window like Karma Sutra had when he had thrown it. Rage filled him more than surprise, and the next thing he knew the old lady was clutching onto him tightly. He looked at her as she rasped for air, one hand grasping him as the other held her chest. Promptly, she fell over dead.  
  
"Shit," Vegeta muttered as Bulma and Trunks stared. Cell leaned against Frieza, using him for an armrest. Bulma thought the prince was referring to the old enemies for a moment before she realized he was staring at the old woman. Vegeta's hand suddenly lunged out, and in true shock now, the small man used his other hand to hold it back. Something in the back of his mind was whispering at him, telling him exactly what to do. 'Get a feather,' it said. He turned, hand groping, searching for a feather. The Hell Gang watched as Vegeta fumbled around, tripping over himself as his possessed arm searched out a feather, finding one among the crowd.  
  
"Hey!" someone shouted as the desired item was stolen from them. Tripping and stumbling, Vegeta returned to the old woman, his hand lunging again.  
  
"No!" he growled, trying to stop the disobedient limb, "You're my arm, and you listen to me!!" A voice whispered in the back of his mind, 'The blood won't be fake this time.'  
  
His will snapped and his hand tore forward, swiftly jamming itself in the woman's warm chest. Bulma screamed in terror. Trunks stared in a mute, morbid fascination as well as worry. The Hell Gang watched in amusement. Vegeta grasped the unmoving object he was looking for, tearing it free from the woman's body in a swift, easy motion. His hand and wrist were both coated in blood, his fist clutching a ninety year old or so heart. "Fuck," Vegeta whispered, as the little whisper disappeared. Everyone stared as Vegeta struggled an inner battle - he felt like he had just forgot something very important.  
  
"Who's up for gambling?" Cell asked, "How about you, Little Bitch?" 


	4. III. Vegeta's Second Mood Swing

**III. Vegeta's Second Mood Swing**  
  
There was a pause after Cell spoke his words, and then, Vegeta abruptly burst out laughing. "Little Bitch?" he queried, "_Little Bitch_??"  
  
Frieza fumed, folding his arms and looking down, "Don't call me that in front of the monkey, Cell." Vegeta laughed harder, falling to his knees. Trunks had never seen his father laugh so hard in his entire life. He wasn't sure if he should laugh along or be scared.  
  
The Prince of Saijins laughed hysterically, slamming his fist against the ground, accidentally crushing the heart he held. "Opps," Vegeta said, turning serious for just the briefest of moments before he burst out laughing again, falling over onto his side, clutching his midsection.  
  
Freiza sighed, glaring up at the android, "Now look at what you've done."  
  
Before anyone could continue anything, Bulma screamed at the top of her lungs. "YOU...YOU RIPPED HER HEART OUT!!" the scientist proclaimed, as if the notion finally registered in her mind.  
  
Vegeta looked up at her from the ground, "Hmm? Oh, yes. Yes, I did." Bulma stared for a moment.  
  
With clenched teeth, she yelled, "HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM!?"  
  
Vegeta pushed himself to his feet, wiping off his bloody hand onto his pants, "Woman, are you stupid? You know very well that I've committed genocide. It's amazing I haven't killed off all you pathetic humans yet. And who knows _why_ I ever decided to mate with you." Bulma's eye twitched and Vegeta continued. "Apart from the fact you seemed to be the only one who cared about me. That scored some points. Not to mention your wonderful figure," the prince said while offering a sloppy grin about the last half of his comment.  
  
The blue-haired lady was dumbstruck, "Vegeta, are you okay?"  
  
A wider, more playful grin spread across his lips as he spoke, "Yes, of course I am. What makes you think otherwise?"  
  
Trunks decided to speak, "Well, you did rip someone's heart out at random."  
  
Vegeta shrugged and turned around, "Whatever. Let's go gambling." He strolled forward to the Hell Gang, motioning for them to follow, "C'mon, I want something to drink."  
  
***  
  
"I want you to know that this is an exception to the rule," King Kai said in his basic overbearing voice, "So don't expect too much from it, alright? Hey...Hey, Goku, are you even listening to me!?"  
  
The black-haired Saijin raised both of his eyebrows as he smiled, "Sure thing, King Kai! I understand! I have to get everyone who escaped and bring them back to the afterlife. No problem."  
  
The blue-skinned god didn't seem too assured, "Just remember that I'll be watching over you and Pikkon."  
  
Goku's eyes narrowed in confusion, "Who's Pikkon?"  
  
King Kai sighed heavily, "Another warrior that's going with you! He's done this type of thing a lot longer than you have, so be sure to follow his orders."  
  
Goku nearly fell over as his jaw dropped, "WHAT!? But I've dealt with a lot of the people who are now missing!"  
  
The god stood on his toes as he shouted towards Goku's face, "I'M IN CHARGE AND I SAY TO LISTEN TO PIKKON!"  
  
Goku cowered back a little, saying quickly and quietly, "Okay, okay...no need to get upset..."  
  
A green-skinned man approached the pair, "Are we prepared to leave?"  
  
King Kai nodded to him, "Here's your badges. Hurry along now." The two warriors took a badge and pinned them to their shirts before Goku placed his hand on Pikkon's shoulder. They promptly disappeared.  
  
***  
  
Bulma, to say the least, was having an unpleasant time. First, Vegeta had been acting like a total jerk. Then, he ripped out some old woman's heart. Then, he acted like it was nothing. Then, he joined up with his old enemies to go gambling where she was now stuck. Trunks stood a bit beside and behind her, keeping all opinions to himself. At first, she was thoroughly made fun of because of how weak she was. Then, they (and by they I mean the Hell Gang) began to ask her all sorts of personal questions. Then lastly, as what they were still doing now, they critiqued her body. Not that they were making bad comments, but the fact that they were lewd upset her.  
  
There was nothing like, "I love what you've done with your hair. Do you use Pantene Pro V? Really? What a coincidence! I do too! And is that nail polish you're wearing Cloudy Day Sunset Pink?"  
  
Instead it was, "Damn, you're a fine piece of ass." Or, "Word, bitch, I'd love to knock boots with you!" So she sat, silently fuming, and wondering exactly how she was going to get revenge upon her darling boyfriend. For some reason, she remembered the day she gave birth to Trunks. Gritting her teeth she recalled how much it hurt and how much she blamed Vegeta for it. Yes. It was all Vegeta's fault. Ironically, this was not far from the truth, however, it happened to be related to a different situation. All in all, Trunks was not Vegeta's fault considering she was willing towards the prince. Yes, for extreme pleasure she had to pay with extreme pain... She fumed silently and asked herself, 'Who's side are you on!?' Of course though, she got no answer. More happily, however, that cute guy Zarbon looked over at her.  
  
His gaze wasn't as leering as the other's; in fact, it held no leer at all. He smiled. She smiled. "Do you use Pantene Pro V on your hair?" he asked politely.  
  
"As a matter of fact," Bulma replied, sounding almost bored, "I do."  
  
Zarbon's face brightened as he reached behind his head and pulled his ponytail over his shoulder so that he could play with it easier, "Really? What a coincidence! I do too!" Bulma blinked, feeling as if she should be doing something at the moment. "And is that nail polish you're wearing," Zarbon continued innocently, "Cloudy Day Sunset Pink?" Bulma took more time blinking this time round and finally gave up on the blink and gave him a nod. "It looks lovely on you," the alien said as he ran a finger over the tip of his braided ponytail, seemingly losing interest in the scientist all at once.  
  
The blue-haired lady suddenly realized that that was the conversation she had wanted, and instantly got angry that she had neither noticed it as well as failed to become happier by it. Damnit. It must've been Vegeta's fault. Her attention focused on the masculine conversation that was underway. Something involving sex, which was really quite unsatisfying, especially because it involved her. However, when Trunks was mentioned her complete and full attention was grasped. Before panicking her mind replayed the message so that she wouldn't make a rash decision. '_But the Siberian Tiger position isn't so bad. Don't you agree, Trunks?_' Vegeta had said out of nowhere. He'd been saying such odd things out of the blue as of recent.  
  
The purple-haired teen rubbed his forehead, "Ah.....sure, dad."  
  
Vegeta threw his arms up into the air as if he was making an ominous prediction, "There, you see!" Though in all technicality there was nothing visible other than the fact that Vegeta's arms threw themselves up into the air, and that phrase in itself isn't to be taken literally, otherwise, the prince would have two detached arms.  
  
"Four of a kind," Cell said, laying down his cards as everyone else groaned in disappointment.  
  
"I swear you're cheating," Frieza declared, stealing someone's shirt and putting it on.  
  
"Little Bitch," Cell asked in a highly over-innocent tone, "Would I ever cheat you?"  
  
Vegeta sat back in his chair, glad he didn't participate in the game, "You've already cheated death by coming back."  
  
Cell nodded and shrugged, "True, true."  
  
At that moment in time, a great disturbance came about the casino like when a pair of pathetically unfashionable clueless dorks walk into a crowded room looking all at once determined to start a fight, yet at the same time look like a charitable pair of holy men that'd go on a crusade if a youth minister from a local church group jokingly made the suggestion. So it was to no great surprise when a pair of pathetically unfashionable clueless dorks actually did walk into the room. One wore a hideous orange-navy combination that, though the colors were alright, the style was definitely not with the times. The other wore mostly white and nothing really sparked an interest except for the fact he lacked a nose and his skin with a deep green like a Namek's. The most interesting thing about them was that each had a golden ring that floated above their heads supported by nothing at all. In short, the halos were defying gravity in the most disturbing of ways.  
  
Another noticeable thing about them was the fact that they each wore a shiny golden pin on the breast of their shirts. Each pin said: "V.I.P." Upon closer examination you'd notice a crease in the side, and if one took their finger they could grab hold and pull open the pin, which essentially, was more like a locket without the chain of a necklace. On the inside of the said pin-locket it clearly stated: "Very. Important. Person. This badge hereby gives the powers vested in me - Kai of the North Quadrant - that this person is allowed all passage rights and privileges into the world of the living. The owner of this badge has the power to capture, threaten, beat, rekill, belittle, and/or game those who have escaped from their proper place in the afterlife. If found please bury with the next available person." It was also to no great surprise that this pair looked all at once determined to start a fight, yet at the same time looked like a charitable pair of holy men that'd go on a crusade if a youth minister from a local church group jokingly made the suggestion.  
  
Yes, Goku and Pikkon had entered the room. They both stepped forward until they spotted what they came here for. Pikkon was ready, though Goku suddenly found himself at a loss when he saw who the Hell Gang was with. "Vegeta??" the taller Saijin asked, quite confused why Vegeta would calmly sit with his greatest foes. The prince's eyes moved up and met Goku's, and in that moment something happened. A flicker of emotion stirred in Vegeta, his eyes shining though it seemed like they weren't, or more like, they shouldn't have been.  
  
"You fucking asshole," the prince said, his voice deep and heavy with emotion. Any normal person examining the situation would have found it strikingly odd and uncomfortable that Vegeta would act in such a manner and would become quite irate that the great Saijin warrior act in such a feminine sort of manner in the way he spoke to Goku. All in all, there were plenty of good reasons behind this course of action though Vegeta himself didn't know exactly why he spat it out (except that he figured he must have wanted to say it). "You fucking asshole," he repeated in a calmer voice, "You walk out of my life and you expect to just walk back in?" No one knew quite what to say because it rather sounded like Vegeta was giving the sort of walked-out-on-lover speech to Goku. Another few moments of uneasy silence ensued as everyone stared at Vegeta, except Vegeta, who stared at Goku.  
  
And Goku said the only thing that seemed reasonable to say, "I didn't even know you felt that way, Vegeta." 


	5. IV. Servant Maxwell Rises From the Grave

**IV. Servant Maxwell Rises From the Grave**  
  
"Well, that sounds just like you," Vegeta said with a growl, leaning back in his chair, "To run off and get killed without thinking how it'd effect other people. Do you have any _idea_ just exactly how bored I've been?" Goku scratched the side of his head, looking up to think about it. "And what the hell is that you're wearing?" the prince stood and grabbed a hold of Goku's shirt to give his pin-locket a close inspection. "V.I.P.? What the hell is the meaning of this?" Vegeta demanded, sitting angrily in his chair.  
  
"I'm a very important person!" Goku declared happily, rubbing the back of his neck, "King Kai sent me to round up all the people that escaped!" Cell quietly began gathering his money and motioning for the Hell Gang to slowly ease out of the room one by one.  
  
"I see," Vegeta stated, clicking his tongue. He repeated slower, narrowing his eyes at the happy hero, "I see.."  
  
Pikkon nudged Goku, "Excuse me, Goku."  
  
The black-haired Saijin jumped in surprise, "Oh! Pikkon! Yes! Okay....Pikkon, this is Vegeta. Vegeta, this is Pikkon."  
  
Pikkon paused for a moment, his brow furrowing, and then he spoke in a false calm, "It's nice to meet you, Vegeta."  
  
The prince huffed, leaning his chair up on two legs, muttering, "Sorry, I can't say the same."  
  
Goku gave Vegeta a look, "Vegeta...that wasn't very nice."  
  
The smaller man's eyes flickered up as his fingers interlaced behind his head, hands supporting, "...Fuck you.." Goku frowned curtly at the reaction when Pikkon nudged him again.  
  
"Goku," the green man said, "I think we should keep focus to our mission." He pointed to Frieza who was the only member of the Hell Gang left sitting there.  
  
"What?" the tyrant (or more should I say, ex-tyrant now that he's dead) asked innocently, looking at Cell's cards to make sure he wasn't somehow cheating.  
  
"Where'd the others go!?" Goku yelled in a panic, dropping down and looking under the table, "Oh no! They're not here!"  
  
Frieza, the only one left, gave a shrug, "Maybe they went to play miniature golf." And it quite an odd thing to say, though what was even odder was that it was true.  
  
***  
  
"Four!" hollered Cell before he lightly tapped his club against the golf ball, sending it down a slope towards the hole. It swerved slightly to the right and stopped about three inches away from its intended destination. "Damnit," muttered the android, stepping to the side to allow the next person to go. Zarbon flipped his ponytail out of the way and tried his best to guesstimate how hard to hit and the angle of which he should do it at.  
  
"Hurry up!" Jeice complained, tapping his foot. The blue-skinned alien finally hit the ball, which stopped about three inches to the left of the hole.  
  
"Hey," Recome said, "I just had a thought." The Hell Gang instantly froze in their positions.  
  
"Recome," Burter mentioned, though hesitantly, "You haven't thought for yourself in, well...ever." Another uneasy pause ensued and Cell took this time to nudge his ball closer to the hole without actually knocking it in.  
  
"Yes, but," the red-head began his defense, "Where's Ginyu?" Another pause commenced as the undead stared at each other. Cell carefully moved Zarbon's ball further from the hole. Stumped, the late Ginyu Force stood around staring out into space. The silence was disrupted at once when Cell gave a startled cry.  
  
***  
  
It was quite upset. Very quite upset. "Power to rip holesss in reality," it murmured sarcastically, angrily, "Power to tear the undead to piecesss and what am I ssstuck doing? Messssssenger ssservice. I think this 'possstal worker' will go possstal!" With an air of no patience it went down the street, ignoring the stares it received, still muttering to itself. "That baka brother of mine," it said, hissing at the thought. Throwing its head back, it screamed to the world, "BAKA! BAKA! BAKA! BAKA! BAAKAAA!" Feeling slightly relieved, it resumed its mission. With a large swing of its tail the front doors were knocked down and into the casino it slid. "Alright!" shouted a large eight foot tall snake with an impressive wing span, "Where the BLAZESSS iss Anubissss!?" A few people dropped instantly, having fainted from extreme shock. A few glasses broke as they were dropped.  
  
"NO ANUBISS!?!?" the snake roared, looking extremely pissed off, "OH DAMN NATION! BASSSTARD, BASSSTARD, BASSSTARD!" It made a motion that resembled jumping up and down and stomping one's feet if it had had feet, which it didn't. "Where did he go!?" the creature demanded more than asked, "WHERE DID HE GO!?" Some brave soul ventured to raising his hand.  
  
"E-Excuse me sir, er," the man stepped forward, his eyes occasionally glancing up to meet the snake's gaze, "But who exactly is Anubis?"  
  
The snake threw its head back and yelled so loud that everyone in the nearby vicinity could clearly make out the one word it spewed in rage, "BAAAAAAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"  
  
***  
  
When Cell had gone to play miniature golf he had every intention to win. He had decided to cheat to obtain this, and even had planned on using cheating as a method to obtain his goal. However, he did not plan on a pale grey hand reaching up from under the matting of the green and for it to grasp a hold of his wrist. Surprised, he gave a startled cry and promptly fell over onto his rump. Another hand erupted from the ground, and slowly both hands helped pull up a pale grey body still fully clothed. "Oh bloody Hell," the person said, dusting off his dirty trench coat, "I told them not to bury me here. I told them I had the most fearful notion they'd build a friggin' miniature golf course over me. Unmarked grave and all, no one would know I was here. Bloody Hell." He looked down at Cell, "Thanks my dear chap. For waking me up that is. Only the presence of one who's sinned with no remorse could awaken me. You know, not many murderers go to play miniature golf... Friggin' lucky you came along. My Master would be right happy to reward you, I'm sure."  
  
"Master? Reward?" Cell asked, gaining his composure and standing.  
  
"Right so," the man said, trying to brush off the dirt that seemed imbedded in him, "Wonder why he hasn't been searchin' for me sooner. 'Pose Lucifer might've gotten down right cranky. That sucker never could quite play cards well, though he prided himself on poker for some reason. Ah well, bloody Hell to those gents who buried me. Didn't have the decency to give me my hammer." The Hell Gang blinked at all this random information.  
  
"Excuse me," Zarbon suddenly leapt into the conversation, "but, What?"  
  
The man shrugged and put his hands in his pockets only to frown. He removed his hands and dropped two large clumps of dirt onto the ruined green of hole thirteen, looking everywhere but at the people he was talking to, "My hammer. My silver hammer. Damn thing was a great weapon. My only weapon. A present from oh...what's her name? Seh...Se....Something or other. Quite a nice lady. My master loved it. Would often play with it himself, so o' course it's blessed now. Or cursed, I suppose, depending on how you look at it." He finally let his gaze rest across the aliens. "Would you say," the man questioned in an entirely innocent manner, "That contracting the HIV virus by no physical method a curse?"  
  
Jeice shifted his weight, "Well, I'd say that's a definite yes, mate."  
  
The man frowned and ran a hand through his hair which removed more dirt, "Ah. I see. Quite funny, really. I was dying, you see, and I got HIV, you see? The next thing I know, I'm cured. Quite queer, don't you think?" There was a pause at the oddity of it all, but mainly because the man said "queer".  
  
Finally, Cell got enough nerve to ask what truly wanted to be asked at that moment, "Who in the Hell are you?"  
  
"Oh geez. Gosh, completely forgot about that, chaps," the man said, giving a small courteous bow, "My name is Maxwell, and you may call me Maxwell." As he stood he put his hands back into his trench coat pockets, "Now, may I ask, have you seen a silver hammer?" 


	6. V. The Prophecy of the Fortune Cookie

**V. The Prophecy of the Fortune Cookie**  
  
Lying on his back, Vegeta wondered why there was mirrors on the ceiling. Scrunching his eyebrows together he looked at his reflection with a sort of grim reluctance. He didn't want to face the music but...he had to admit, to at least himself, what was going on. Sighing in an aggressive sort of way, he kicked off his shoes and waited for his woman to enter the room. She stepped out within a few minutes, her hair dripping wet, her hands holding up her towel just above her breasts. She approached her suitcase which lay on top of the dresser within their hotel room, and let her towel fall. Stiffly, she pulled out some clothes and put them on. The scientist then turned to Vegeta, opening her mouth to say something, though he cut her off before she could even start. "Narcolepsy," he stated with a curt frown, "I think I have narcolepsy."  
  
Bulma closed her mouth, let her face scrunch in confusion from the statement, and sit there for a moment looking like an utter buffoon before saying, "What are you talking about?"  
  
Vegeta sat up in the bed, and turned towards her. "I keep having memory lapses," he explained, "Temporary memory loss. I think I have narcolepsy."  
  
Bulma raised an eyebrow and sat down beside him, "Okaaay...um...Can you give me an example, Vegeta?"  
  
The prince growled lightly in irritation, "Today. I remember us leaving the casino, but the next thing I know I'm here."  
  
Bulma's eyebrow raised even higher, which was quite an odd expression, "Uh...ok? Vegeta, I think you need to get some food in your stomach. C'mon, let's go out to eat, you haven't eaten all day."  
  
***  
  
He had been meditating in peace like usual when a small noise reached his ears. Trying to ignore it and focus on the tranquility of his current situation, he concentrated more on the sounds of the waterfall in front of him. A moment later, however, someone approached the river bank. "Hey there, chap!" some person shouted. He tried his best to ignore the invader. "Hey chap!" the person repeated, "Have you seen a silver hammer? I've quite lost track of it after I've died, and I was wondering..."  
  
Piccolo finally looked down at him, "No hammer here, my friend."  
  
The pale grey character frowned and shrugged, "Ah, thanks for your help, chap. If you see it, would you send it to me? P.O. Box 1390, Harverville, North Dakota. It'd quite appreciate it. Means a great deal. Oh, be careful touching it, it loves to give the holder the HIV virus. Sort of like the Hand of Midas, eh? I hated that bloody thing. Everyone kept trying to steal it from me. I was like 'No! This is for my Master!' but they just wouldn't listen." Piccolo closed his eyes and tried to focus on the waterfall once more. The man, after babbling for a bit more, finally left. The Namek was in peace once more.  
  
That is until he realized the full extent of what the man said. "I met these funny looking chaps. Quite amusing now that I think of it," the man had said, "I don't believe they're of this world. I mean, their skin was all types of colors. There was one with red-orange, blue, and three different shades of green. Only one really looked exactly like a human." After some other non-interesting fact the man had said, "They said they hadn't seen my hammer, but the one told me his name was Cell. Interesting name, don't you think? I would feel bad for the fellow for his parents naming him that, however, that chap just didn't seem like the type to have parents, if that makes sense." More jumble, and then, "Ah well, I better get going. Got places to go, people to kill, you know..."  
  
Piccolo's eyes snapped open and he searched the immediate area, but Maxwell was already long gone. "This," the Namek decided, speaking out loud, "is not good."  
  
***  
  
It was furious. Exceedingly so. "Who'ssss Anubisss??" it mocked, its tail lashing back and forth, knocking over anyone that was in the way, "Thisss isss why I hate my job. Possstal worker my assssss, let those moronsss deliver their own messssagesss. It'sss alwaysss the messssanger that getsss killed anywayssss!" It turned around a corner and, to say the least, quite spassed (in a good way).  
  
***  
  
Goku and Pikkon where having a horrible time trying to find the Hell Gang. If they had taken Frieza's suggestion, however, they could have possibly sent all of Goku's old enemies back to Hell already. Instead, they had wandered aimlessly, and it wasn't long before Goku finally decided he was hungry, and so they stopped at a local cafe. Pikkon wasn't too pleased about the situation, but decided to try his best to work with Goku, especially so because he knew King Kai was watching over them. After Goku nearly cleared out the entire kitchen, he finally declared himself as "full" and leaned back in his chair. It was then that a disturbance came from across the street. Pikkon and Goku instantly looked over to see what it was, and both were quite surprised to see an eight-foot long snake slither its way towards them. Goku blinked, and Pikkon stared. "ANUBISSS!" it cried out with joy, whirling its tail around to conjure a scroll. Goku stared, and Pikkon blinked.  
  
***  
  
They ate chinese. It wasn't all that bad at all, really. Vegeta and Trunks sure gave Bulma a bill she wouldn't soon forget, but all in all they were rather pleased. After the meal, each received a fortune cookie, as it was tradition at almost any chinese restaurant. Bulma cracked her's open, taking out the small slip of paper. She read it aloud, "Confucius says: To err is human, to rub it in, is divine." She grinned to herself and poked Trunks in the arm, "Read yours, honey."  
  
Trunks opened his cookie and pulled out the fortune, "Make a decision on something that's been too long." He blushed for a moment and put the fortune down, jamming half of his cookie into his mouth. Vegeta had already opened his when Bulma had, and he had stared unblinkingly at the small item.  
  
"What is it, Vegeta?" Bulma asked, leaning over the table, propping herself up on her elbows.  
  
"Hn," he said, tossing the fortune in her general direction.  
  
The blue-haired lady picked it up and read, "Beware the ides of March." She frowned and read it over a few times, but to her disappointment, the words did not change.  
  
"What's that mean?" Trunks asked innocently.  
  
"The ides is from the ancient Roman calendar. The ides, or ide, of March is March 15th," Bulma declared, dropping the fortune and looking up at Vegeta, "Though I have no idea why "Beware the ides of March" would be considered a fortune."  
  
"If anything," she declared, "it sounds like a prophecy." 


	7. VI. The Cases of Mistaken Identity

**VI. The Cases of Mistaken Identity**  
  
The snake spread its shimmering wings with pride, the tip of its tail holding the scroll up to its eye level. It cleared its throat, straightening up to make itself taller. "Anubisss," it hissed, but with a narrative tone, "Atu korone zut. Darban efu ekhmet suvartee." Goku opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. The snake dropped the scroll and whirled its tail, conjuring a small book. "No," it muttered, "Thisss isss Napoleon'sss memoirss..." Dropping the item it conjured another object, "No, thisss issss JFK'ssssssss asssssassssination video..." A pile soon developed.  
  
"Damnit!" the snake shrieked, "I have tonsss of messsagess!" It drew into existence two stone slabs, "The Ten Commandmentssss? Bah!" Dropping the heavy tablets, it drew out a paper from nowhere. "Ah," the snake said, "Finally." Clearing its throat once more, the creature read, "Anubis: Why don't you call me? I know you've escaped Hell. 634-5789." Goku finally found words, but the snake was already reading another letter. "Anubi-chan," the snake snickered before regaining its composure, "Ich weiß nicht, dummkopf! Du bist lustig...und sehr kawaii. Ich möchte du sehen. Komm zu mir? XOXO."  
  
Goku made an effort to speak, "But I'm not Anubis."  
  
The snake stared for a moment, "_What_?" The black-haired Saijin gave a nod. There was a moment when nothing seemed to happen at all. And then, the creature screamed, "BAAAAAAAAKKKAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"  
  
***  
  
A squirrelly, young fellow wearing a tacky mismatched-colored suit yipped enthusiastically to no one in particular. His hair was a gritty brown that didn't look natural, and he had quite a bit of razor stubble. "Hey-hey," he squeaked to no one in particular (as I said before), "Hey-hey." He ran a hand through his hair, dirt flakes falling like dandruff. His shifty eyes locked onto his next victim, I mean, customer. So with his eyes locked on his next customer, he waddled over to the man even though there was no reason to waddle being that he was an extremely thin and scrawny man. "Hey-hey!" the man quipped, stopping his customer in his tracks, "You've got to try this!"  
  
The customer blinked, "Excuse me...What?"  
  
The squirrel boy sort of bounced like a nervous rabbit, "It's great! Simply astonishing! Won't you buy it?"  
  
The customer blinked again, "Buy what?" The true question at the moment was why the customer was being so civil. The customer asked himself this but found no answer.  
  
"Why, why..." the man fiddled with his pockets, searching something out, "..This!" Proudly beaming the squirrel-like man presented a short, slender object.  
  
"What is it?" the customer blankly questioned. The man shifted constantly while the customer sat like a stubborn rock.  
  
"Why..." the man said, an odd, toothy grin breaking out across his face, "..It's a pen!"  
  
The customer folded his arms, "And does it have ink?"  
  
The squirrel boy frowned, his eyebrows scrunched in odd confusion, "Well....no."  
  
The customer blinked yet again, "Then why would I want it?" The false brunette looked at the ground and instantly burst into tears.  
  
"I'm sorry!" the man blurted out, "I've been trying to sell that damn thing all day! I don't have money for surgery and I need it desperately!"  
  
A voice cut in, "Why don't you go to a sperm bank?"  
  
The customer cringed in disgust, his face paling to emphasize his nausea, "Ugh, Freeza....please."  
  
Another voice decided to comment, "Well...it is a...solution."  
  
The customer turned to face the female voice, "Quiet woman, that's disgusting." The customer and his companions began to walk away.  
  
The woman scoffed, "Why?"  
  
The customer growled, folding his arms, "Donating sperm...How in the Hell would you donate sperm?"  
  
Fading into the distance the blue-haired lady taunted, "It's something called masturbation, Vegeta..obviously sex is not your forte..."  
  
***  
  
The poor creature was reduced to wandering around, its spirits low and motivation dead. "Are you Anubisss?" it asked another random person on the street. Like usual, the person gawked and ran away in mute terror. If it could cry, it would have. "I give up!" the snake declared, its wings falling limp, trailing on the ground. Just then, a dirt devil whirled up, and another snake appeared.  
  
"Hello brother," the new arrival proclaimed.  
  
"Hello," replied the other gloomily. They sat in silence for a long while before a man finally approached them.  
  
"Anubissss?" both snakes asked.  
  
"Maxwell," the man corrected, giving the creatures a bow, "I was wondering..have you seen a silver hammer?"  
  
The snakes looked at each other, both realizing that this was an opportunity to get out of their boredom. Both of them started looking for a silver hammer in their inventory.  
  
"No, the holy grail..."  
  
"Hitler'sss remainssss..."  
  
"Auto-biography of Chuck Palahniuk..."  
  
"A crysstal skull..."  
  
"The Losssst Ark..."  
  
"Oh here...here'sss the Ten Commandmentsss..."  
  
"Canopic jarssss...."  
  
"SSSadaam Husssssssein's teeth..."  
  
"Letterssss for Anubissss...."  
  
"The Magna Carta..."  
  
"The Lossst City of Atlantissss..."  
  
"Dead Ssssea Ssscrollsss..."  
  
This went on for quite awhile.  
  
In fact, as the list went on they had to have been there for at least a good half hour or so. Finally, each snake conjured their preferred weapon, the last article in their inventories. Since they were twins, of course the weapon was exactly the same - a sort of double sided weapon, a mixture of a machete and a sledgehammer of sorts. "That'ssss it," the one proclaimed with a frown.  
  
"That'ssss it," the other repeated, matching its brother's frown.  
  
"That's it!" cried Maxwell with joy, tears glistening on his pale grey face.  
  
"Eh?" both snakes said, thoroughly confused.  
  
***  
  
As he lay back on the bed he gave a heavy sigh. He then scowled at himself for sighing. He didn't need to sigh, it was completely pointless. A scowl scowled at the scowl and he had to wonder once more why there was mirrors on the ceiling. Bulma was once again in the shower, leaving him to his thoughts such as "Do I have narcolepsy?", "What is the purpose of having mirrors on the ceiling?", "Why does that woman bathe so much?", and "What the Hell is masturbation?". Growling, Vegeta rolled over and pulled a pillow to his face, his arms wrapping around the feather-filled cloth. There was only one way to get answers to these questions, and as much as he disliked the idea, his curiosity was already killing him.  
  
Bulma stepped out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her head, but clad in nothing more. He sat up. Still scowling, he spat, "What _is_ masturbation?" Before the blue-haired lady could respond however, something crashed through the window.  
  
***  
  
Pikkon sighed silently and folded his arms. He could only wish to somehow lose his so-called partner and actually get down to business. It seemed like Goku was more of a lost puppy than an associate, and his attention span seemed to be degrading by the hour. Twice they stopped their search to get a "bite to eat", and occasionally Goku would completely forget why he was there. "Are you feeling alright?" Pikkon finally asked, irritated.  
  
"Of course I am!" the black-haired Saijin said, giving a laugh. He rubbed the back of his neck and suddenly asked, "Uh...What did you just say?"  
  
Pikkon raised an eye ridge, "I asked if you were feeling alright."  
  
Goku laughed again, giving an enthusiastic nod, "Yeah, I feel just fine!" Pikkon seemed a bit skeptical. Just then, one of the smarter Z warriors landed before them.  
  
"Hey," Piccolo said, "We have a problem."  
  
***  
  
A figure clad from heal to toe in black stood on the plush, maroon carpet. At first they stared for a moment at Bulma's naked form before turning to Vegeta who was looking rather displeased and unimpressed. "You," she - well, presumably she because the voice was feminine and the form donned breasts - said. Pointing a finger dramatically, she stated, "You die."  
  
Vegeta's eyes narrowed and he spoke quietly, "You know, I really don't need this shit." The black clad figure leapt at the prince, unsheathing a sword, but all she managed to do was stab the bed. "You know," Vegeta said, growling angrily, "They're going to charge us for that." The ninja girl tried again, but missed like she had on her first attempt. "Would you stop that? It's annoying," the brunette said, acting nice for Bulma's sake. Shocked, the ninja tried again, though it was futile. Just for the Hell of it, Vegeta let his attacker land a hit, though of course, it did nothing.  
  
"W-What?" the girl stuttered in shock as the blade stopped when it met his skin.  
  
"Why the Hell are you trying to kill me?" Vegeta asked calmly, slowly grasping the end of the blade and bending it out of shape.  
  
"Uh...uh...You....You're Mr. Cortes, right?" the lady asked, "Room 212?"  
  
Vegeta sighed and shook his head, pointing towards the door, "My name is Vegeta, and this is room 213. You want across the hall."  
  
The ninja blinked, "Oh. Thank you. Mind if I chuck this in your trash?"  
  
Vegeta took the weapon and tossed it in the bin, "Go on."  
  
The ninja bowed, "My sincere apologies, Mr. Vegeta."  
  
The prince waved his hand, "Please...just Vegeta. Now go." Silently, the agile girl made an exit.  
  
Bulma breathed deeply for a moment before turning to the Saijin, "Masturbation is to give oneself sexual pleasure by stroking the genitals, usually to orgasm."  
  
Vegeta frowned as a new question came to mind, 'Why is the woman like a walking dictionary?' Another question, this time verbalized, "What the Hell? Why the Hell would you do that when you can have sex with someone?" Bulma's lips turned into a sly smile. "..Why are you looking at me like that, woman?" Vegeta asked, becoming nervous.  
  
Bulma crawled up onto the bed, joining him, cooing sarcastically, "Poor Vegeta...never once has he pleased himself.." For some reason the prince found himself backing away from the lady genius. The wall stopped him from moving any farther. Bulma pulled the towel from her head and she shook out her hair, grinning. "I think it's only fair if you're naked too, considering I am," the lady proclaimed, hands already moving to help him with the task she demanded.  
  
"Hey!" he protested. With your girlfriend being dominant you can say just about one thing, and he repeated it: "Hey!"  
  
Bulma chuckled lightly, "Did you know..." Off went his shirt, "...that..." Pants got tossed onto the floor, "...masturbation..." Socks slipped off easily, "...is not only to give oneself sexual pleasure, but the term is also used if one gives another pleasure?" Boxers were nearly torn from his body. There were no words. None at all. Bulma grinned ferally at him, knowing full well that Vegeta was a very sexually inexperienced person. It was quite cute actually. Bulma acted to demonstrate the definition she had given.  
  
Again, no words. Nothing. No sound save that for a small yelp and, "W-Woman!" 


	8. VII. The Casual Homicide

**VII. The Casual Homicide**  
  
They sat on the bus as it drove them from one side of the city to the other. It was still Mardi Gras, but because it was still daylight the severe indecencies hadn't begun. Bulma sat cross-legged and cross-armed, looking quite upset. Vegeta had his normal scowl on, his gaze directed out the window. Trunks stared into space, not really paying attention to anything. "Does this have to do with what happened a couple days ago?" Bulma finally asked.  
  
"NO!" Vegeta growled, his hands gripping the seat and nearly tearing it apart with his mere strength. The plastic which covered the insides of the seats made an odd whining noise, as if it was about to break.  
  
"Fine! Than this has to do with coming here for vacation, doesn't it?" she more stated than asked.  
  
"No, it doesn't, woman!" Vegeta replied angrily, his fingers gouging holes in the cushion of the seat. Bulma was furious to say the least. She had tried on numerous accounts to get Vegeta to speak, but he just refused to open up. And frankly, his mood swings were starting to get irritating.  
  
"YOU KNOW WHAT!?" she suddenly screamed, standing up and pointing a finger at him, "YOU'RE THE ONLY GUY I KNOW THAT GETS _MORE_ PISSED AFTER HAVING SEX! YOU ARE DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY, YOU INSENSITIVE JERK OFF OF A BASTARD!!" The whole bus stared and Vegeta couldn't help but flush with embarrassment and anger. Bulma abruptly sat down, getting into the same position she had. Trunks couldn't help but cringe slightly - he didn't want to know the details of his parents' intimate life.  
  
"Insensitive jerk off of a bastard?" Vegeta hissed, his hair waving with the power of his aura as it began to spike upwards, "I'll show _you_ insensitive jerk off of a bastard.."  
  
***  
  
Maxwell was skipping with joy. He glomped his hammer as he hopped happily down the street, singing with utter and complete enthusiasm, "I have my hammer! I have my hammer! I have my hammer!" He stopped, pulled his hammer back to look at it, and crystalline tears instantly ran down his pale grey cheeks. "I have missed thee!" Maxwell proclaimed, dancing with the silver object for a moment before hugging it intensely again.  
  
Two heads peeked around the nearby corner, watching Maxwell's every move. "Ne..Calen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" the one snake asked the other.  
  
The other nodded in agreement, "Yess, Kalen. Maxxxwell got the hammer from 'SSehki-chan', and 'SSSehki-chan' knew 'Anubi-chan', and 'Anubi-chan' cursssed a ssssilver hammer that Maxxwell ownsss...sssso that meanss Maxxwell'sss Massster musst be 'Anubi-chan'. SSSO..if we follow Maxxxwell, he'll take usss to..."  
  
Both of them grinned in delight, wagging their tails as they screamed in unison, "ANUBISSS!!!"  
  
***  
  
Pikkon sighed heavily as he trudged down the street and thought to himself, 'What is up with this Goku character?' The green-skinned alien was severely disappointed in the actions of his fellow worker. The Kai of the North had granted them back into the realm of the living for a specific purpose, but all that Goku had accomplished was making their situation worse. Pikkon did not know why the black-haired Saijin allowed himself to get distracted so easily, but he did know that it was really, really, really annoying. 'If he is such a great warrior,' Pikkon thought to himself, 'then why is he such an air-head?' He suddenly blinked, eyes widening in realization that Goku was not present with him. "GOKU!!" Pikkon shouted, looking around frantically like a mother looks for their lost child. He spotted the spiky hair disappear around a corner. "Why me!?" Pikkon screamed in complete frustration, chasing after younger man.  
  
***  
  
Vegeta stood, his hair flashing golden, his black eyes turning into two aquamarine orbs of fire. Bulma _felt_ an odd emotion rolling off of him, something she hadn't sensed in him for a long time. It scared her. His aura cast everything around him in a golden hue, and all eyes were upon him. He laughed, a laugh Bulma was familiar with, and one Trunks had heard at rare times. Both knew it wasn't good. "I'll show you," he repeated, looking across the bus till he spotted a suitable victim up front.  
  
"Vegeta, wait!" Bulma cried out, trying to grasp onto him, but he pulled himself away with ease, moving up the aisle.  
  
"Father!" the purple-haired teen called out, trying also to stop him. Vegeta would have none of it and he knocked his son back.  
  
"Stay out of this, boy," he growled, his eyes focused on the task at hand. He approached a woman in her mid to late twenties, and who was obviously pregnant. "How would you react if I told you that you were going to die?" he asked nonchalantly. The woman gaped. Vegeta added, "Because you're about to."  
  
***  
  
Maxwell felt so good that he could dance. Either that or kill someone. He chuckled to himself, thinking, 'Why don't I do both??' He swung his hammer around, using the centrifugal force to spin, the visual effect that it gave was that of a very strange man dancing with a large silver hammer. During Mardi Gras, no one really thought anything of it. He was either crazy or just plain drunk, and the most likely of the two was the latter, but in truth he wasn't really either. As he spun, he centered in on his beloved item, which was the only thing of importance at the time. He didn't know where he was going, but it really didn't bother him now that he had his hammer. If he could "survive" being buried under a miniature golf course for years upon years he could certainly survive the streets of New Orleans.  
  
***  
  
Pikkon raced around the corner, gripping Goku by the back of the collar. "Where do you think you're going!?" the green-skinned man shouted, pulling Goku back.  
  
"Hey!" the Saijin protested, "What's up Pikkon? I thought I sensed something nearby; it might be one of the escapees! Let's go! C'mon!" The alien stared in confusion as Goku zipped off down the street, looking about for any signs of the escaped "convicts".  
  
"Wait up!" he called out, chasing after his partner down the crowded sidewalk. At that moment, however, something exceedingly odd happened. It was so incredibly odd that Pikkon could merely stand and stare at the utter oddness of the situation. He didn't even blink as he watched the scene before him unfold, and just like how movies go overly dramatic and show everything in slow-motion, Pikkon viewed everything in the awful "B" movie format. From out of where, Pikkon had no clue, but a strange man with a silver hammer came dancing out of well...where ever he came from. The fool spun around, stepping off of the curb and into the street, and just as he did, two snake creatures slithered into view, both looking lost and confused, if a snake can look lost and confused.  
  
But Pikkon had no time to think, or act. He only watched, as if paralyzed by Haunter's "Lick" attack. The man was completely oblivious of the danger he was in, despite the warning given to him by the honking of horns. Goku proved his good nature by trying to stop the man. And as if the "frame by frame" setting had been taken off of the world, everything accelerated to normal pace, if not faster.  
  
Goku leapt out into the street, intent on saving the man's life from oncoming traffic. There was the honking of a horn, and then, a mighty crash so outrageous that it seemed superimposed unnaturally. Pikkon watched with his mouth open as a bus broad-sided (which was less of broad, and more of "directly head on") his partner - the bus almost immediately halting its journey with a large screech. There was the sound of glass breaking, metal twisting, and horns honking; then a moment later, again, there was the sound of crashes, breaking glass, and metal twisting - the sounds of honking horns and screeching tires intermingling in the background. The two snakes looked at the wreckage like two buzzards circling a lone rabbit lost in the middle of the desert at high noon. Their wings shimmered brightly in the light, and their tails wagged happily behind them, both coming towards the accident zone.  
  
***  
  
From the corner of Vegeta's eye he could see his son and his woman racing up the aisle in a pitiful attempt to stop him. He almost began to laugh as he let his ki ball grow brighter, the energy ready to turn human flesh into a pile of dust and ashes. The young lady before him was too frightened to speak coherently, but Vegeta didn't pay much attention to her desperate, and not to mention annoying, pleas. He was about to fulfill his darkest desire, one he hadn't quenched in years, when suddenly he heard someone shout, "Look out!"  
  
The bus driver screamed, "Oh shit!" There was the blare of the bus horn, and irritated beyond belief, the Prince of Saijins turned to see what the Hell thought that it'd be a good idea to ruin his playtime. But just as he saw the glimmer of silver there was the slamming of the brakes and then impact, which was almost as powerful as running into a brick wall. And at that brief millisecond, Vegeta caught a glimpse of something, and before his day was turned for the worse more so than it already had, he managed to think one thing, 'Kakkarot?' The next instant he felt himself soaring through the front windshield of the bus, flying down the road, and landing haphazardly in a pretzel-like heap. He heard cars honk, tires squeal, metal and glass collide in a brutal pileup and his own enraged scream.  
  
This wasn't fucking fair. That bitch should've died. 


	9. VIII. Attack of the Narcolepsy

**VIII. Attack of the Narcolepsy**  
  
Bulma coughed, waving her hand to clear the air of smoke. "Trunks?" she called out, "Trunks, are you ok?" The area began to become more breathable, the dark fog lifting.  
  
"I'm okay, mom," the teen said, walking towards his mother while helping the pregnant woman into a seat, "You okay?" She nodded as she ran down the aisle and embraced her son, her whole body trembling.  
  
Then she shook her head, slowly at first, then furiously, "Why did he do that? Why!?" She sobbed into the demi-Saijin's shoulder, clinging to him tightly.  
  
Trunks was grim as he held his mother, "I don't know, mom..I don't know.."  
  
Suddenly a voice called out, "Hey, Bulma! Why're you crying??"  
  
Her head shot up, her sobs turning to sniffles, "G-Goku?" The black-haired man smiled brightly at her from the street, his arms helping to support a dazed Maxwell.  
  
"Ya, it's me," he beamed, climbing up into the bus from the missing windshield.  
  
She blinked in confusion, "I thought you went back to Heaven.."  
  
He shook his head as he wiped her tears away, "No, not yet. I'm still on my mission."  
  
She smiled at his warm touch, beginning to feel a bit better already, "So how long will you be staying?"  
  
Goku tapped his chin in thought, looking up, "Hm..I suppose just until I finish rounding up all the escaped people."  
  
Bulma gently laid her hand on his shoulder, sighing softly, "I'm glad you're here."  
  
Goku peered down at her, raising an eyebrow, "Hey, what's wrong? You look like you're about to cry."  
  
The blue-haired lady sniffled, backing away from the hero, "It's just...Vegeta. I don't know what's wrong with him! He just..flipped out, just now! He was going to...to kill an innocent woman!"  
  
Goku's eyes widened and he clearly shouted, "WHAT!?"  
  
Bulma threw herself on her life long friend, "Why is he doing this now, Goku!? I'm afraid he's...going to hurt me.."  
  
Goku hugged her, soothingly rubbing her back, "You shouldn't worry, Bulma. No matter how angry or upset he's gotten, he's never hit you." His hands stopped their motion - as if an afterthought he asked, "Has he?"  
  
Bulma looked up at him, eyes wide and incredulous, "Goku!! How could you say such a thing? Of course he hasn't!"  
  
Goku coughed lightly out of embarrassment, "Well, I-"  
  
Bulma frowned and looked down, leaning against the taller figure for a moment, "Well there was one time.." Goku's body tensed. Bulma whispered so that their conversation wouldn't be so public, "It was an accident. Seriously. One night when Trunks was out, I thought it'd be funny to slip some everclear in with his cranberry juice, so he got a bit..tipsy. After dinner I was..teasing him, so he threatened to hit me, but he wasn't serious. I kept joking with him and he went to mock-hit me, and accidentally hit me."  
  
Goku somehow found the notion of a drunken Vegeta rather amusing. He opened his mouth to speak when Bulma finished, "He apologized to me, though. I think it might've been because he was liquored up some, but...he was sincere. He proved his sincerity later on anyways." A blush crept upon her cheek at the last sentence.  
  
"Where'd he hit you?" Goku asked, finally pulling back from their embrace. Bulma laughed slightly before composing herself.  
  
"Right here," she said, pointing to her left breast.  
  
Just then a chorus of screams erupted throughout the already startled crowd of passengers as two very mythical looking creatures poked their heads inside the bus. "Anubisss?" one of the two supposed monsters asked in a tone of a nurse calling in the next patient. Its wings flexed and glinted like the finest of precious metals.  
  
"Ne, brother," the other snake jerked his head in the direction of the alleged. Calen peered at his twin, watching as he hissed, the forked tongue licking the air.  
  
"Hey, it's you two again," Goku said, tilting his head to the side.  
  
Both snakes hopped up onto the bus, whispering into the air what sounded like, "Anubisss..."  
  
Pikkon leapt up behind them, "Goku, I think-" Kalen and Calen stood on either side of Goku.  
  
"We sssaw you with Maxxxwell," Calen spoke.  
  
"With Maxxxxwell," echoed Kalen.  
  
"You've got to be Anubisss," Calen stated.  
  
"Gotta be," said Kalen.  
  
"But I'm not!" Goku protested, wondering why they were being so persistent.  
  
"Thisss baka ssseemssss to have forgotten.." Kalen finally spoke his mind.  
  
"Hn. Yess, it appearssss ssso," Calen noted, bending in odd ways to examine the black-haired Saijin better, "Perhapsss if we wake up hiss powerssss.."  
  
Kalen nodded in agreement, "Hai! That'll ssserve him well."  
  
Pikkon began to interject, sounding like a very frustrated black police officer who was stuck in Beverly Hills when he really worked in Detroit, "Now listen here! I don't know who you people think you are, but running around and calling innocent bystanders 'Anubis' just isn't the correct moral ethics or protocal around here! You're interfering with official godly missions and we don't have to stand for it!" Both snakes looked at each other, then at Pikkon, then back at each other; then they began to laugh.  
  
"Godly misssssssion, eh?" laughed Calen, "You hear that, Kalen? Godly!"  
  
His brother nodded in a frenzy, chuckling as much as a snake can chuckle, "Hmhmhmhmhmm!! Looksss like the universsse hasss forgotten the name Anubissss after a few mere millennia of ssleep!" The snakes calmed themselves - suddenly looking very harmless, which was odd all in its own.  
  
"Anwaysss.." Calen decided to pointedly ignore the green-skinned alien, "Let'sss commence, brother. The sssooner thiss endsssss, the better."  
  
Kalen purred, or made a noise equivalent to that of a snake purring, "I concur." They each summoned a staff-like object, one embellished with ornate light colored gems: amethyst, peridot, amber, diamond, aquamarine, opal; the other held dark colors: ruby, emerald, sapphire, garnet, onyx, turquoise. The snakes slithered down, raising their tails into the air and lowering their heads to the ground.  
  
At the exact moment their eyes began to glow, Bulma suddenly thought out loud, "Where's Vegeta?"  
  
***  
  
Curse words in more languages than known to man were spewed forth from the prince's mouth as he crawled out from under the crunched bumper of a luxury vehicle. He stood up slowly, brushing off his clothes as he continued his angry tirade that lacked proper verbs. He stopped, paused, and examined a hole in his shirt. He ground his teeth together, glaring venomously at the small tear, poking his finger through it. "I liked this shirt," he growled to himself before looking up to see which automobile had hit him first so that he could then direct as much of a hate-filled gaze he could muster at that object.  
  
Instead, he heard a voice call out, "Holy shit..." He directed the hate-filled gaze at the person who decided to interrupt the wonderful silent search he'd been performing over the sounds of the blaring backed up traffic. It was a teenager with a shaved head, and if Vegeta knew his Earth symbols right, the interesting shape that was adorned by his t-shirt was not to be confused with an ancient symbol of peace, but rather it was the carrier image of the single largest group of assholes the human race had managed to muster.  
  
"You worthless, diseased-ridden, vermin-filled, maggot-infested, bastard of a swine," the Prince of Saijins snarled, raising his finger and pointing to the young man as if to emphasize his accusation.  
  
"What did you just call me!?" the brat shot back, seemingly forgetting that this man had been hit head-on (and when I say head-on I mean head-on and broad-sided) by several cars, trucks, and other such large blunt objects.  
  
"You Neo-Nazi, homophobic, pot-smoking, lot-loitering, piece of white trash," Vegeta furthered his opinion, feeling the darkness return to him.  
  
"What the fuck!? Fuck you, you crazy old shit!" the teen responded, spitting at him. The saliva missed its target.  
  
"Your soul is tainted," Vegeta said simply as he approached, watching the figure of the hopeless youth crumple and wither like an uprooted flower.  
  
There, now. The bitch may live - an exchange had been made.  
  
***  
  
A blue-skinned man with horns atop his head ran a one-competitor marathon up the long driveway towards the large, ornate mansion. For some reason it seemed to resemble a plantation house, which lacked oppressed slaves, as well as slaves in general. The blue-skinned man grit his teeth and ran faster, making a trail of dust follow behind him. He passed the fountain in the front - a collaboration of frogs playing various instruments, but he paid no attention to it. He raced on, noting the lovely antique car which had its self settled in his direct path. With great effort he leapt high into the air, clearing the large obstacle in one bound. He landed in front of the steps, stumbling slightly as his ankle twisted, but he trudged upward to his destination, gasping for air as he reached it. Lifting his fist, he pounded on the door as his other hand reached into his inner jacket pocket.  
  
The door opened to reveal a large penguin-man in a tuxedo. "Wrooorp?" asked the butler, tilting his head to the side. The man, wheezing for breath, help up a piece of paper he'd dug out of his pocket. "Wrorp!?" the butler exclaimed, taking the item from him, and reading it over. When he seemed satisfied that the material wasn't changing after the third time he read it, he finally dismissed the young man. Hurrying, the butler ran upstairs and threw open a door, screaming, "Wroorp wrorp wroop WRORP!!" The figure on the bed gestured for the butler to come to him. The penguin obliged, handing the paper to his employer.  
  
"Oh dear," said the white-haired man, "You better call in those four kais."  
  
***  
  
The four siblings crouched around the bed, each looking worried. "You're probably wondering why I summoned you all here," the Grand Kai spoke after a moment, peering at their concerned faces. King Kai set his jaw - any news now was probably not good news, especially if the Grand Kai had to tell them personally. The East Kai sniffled, trying to restrain tears. "I got a telegram," the elder god explained briefly. He paused before adding, "I'm changing my will." The East Kai burst into tears, sobbing into her brother's shoulder, the West letting her as he pat her back.  
  
"There, there, sis," he said, "it'll be okay, you'll see."  
  
King Kai played with one of his whiskers thoughtfully before tentatively inquiring something that was nagging at his mind, "Why would you have to change your will?"  
  
The Grand Kai held up his hand, "All in good time." He paused before collecting his thoughts, "I have decided on an heir..."  
  
***  
  
The door slammed, bringing Bulma out of her peaceful slumber. "Vegeta??" she called out, not sure if she should be afraid or worried. A moment later the familiar figure of her alien boyfriend stormed into the room. She gaped at his appearance. The shirt he'd been wearing had its sleeves torn off, and his pants were splotched with grease and oil. His sneakers looked like a rabid dog had used them as a chew toy and he was sporting an army jacket that obviously wasn't his own, as well as a pair of goggles - Air Force most likely.  
  
He pointed a finger at her accusingly, "Don't you even _fucking_ start because I don't even know." He removed the jacket hastily and threw it into the corner. He went to unbutton his shirt and when he couldn't even complete that task, he ripped it off. Bulma took this time to look at the clock. It was 8:43 in the morning.  
  
"Where have you been?" she asked quietly, "It's eight forty."  
  
Vegeta threw his head back and screamed, "Kill me now! If you have any mercy, you stupid fucking gods, just kill me now!!" He paused, waiting for a lightning bolt to strike him or something of the sort - but nothing happened. The Prince of Saijins snarled, "Well fuck you too!!" Bulma got up and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. He jumped at the touch.  
  
"There were men in pin-striped suits," he said abruptly, as if this answered any question she might have, "I had a Shirley Temple."  
  
Bulma tugged on his arm, "I think you need to sit down."  
  
He didn't struggle as she walked him to the bed and sat him down. "My mouth tastes like a Cuban cigar," he said, "but I don't smoke."  
  
Bulma nodded in agreement as she tugged off his dirty pants, "That's right. You don't."  
  
Vegeta sighed, lying back on the bed, "There's mirrors on the ceiling. Why are there mirrors on the ceiling?"  
  
Bulma sighed herself as he removed his socks and shoes, "So you can watch yourself have sex."  
  
Vegeta narrowed his eyes, "Ganz klar. Menschengeschlecht immer sich drehen Sex." Bulma stopped all motions as the foreign language smoothly made it past his lips, as if it were natural. The Saijin yawned before mocking, "Sex hier. Sex dort. Die ganze Welt sich drehen Sex." She stood and watched him fall asleep before she walked over to the nightstand. She opened the drawer, pulled out the phone book, and looked up a number. She picked up the phone and dialed. After a moment she was finally able to speak with someone.  
  
"Yes, I'd like to schedule an appointment as soon as possible. Last name Briefs. Money is no object." 


	10. IX: Have You Seen This Person?

**IX: Have You Seen This Person?**  
  
Four distraught kais walked down the hallways of a very large mansion. "This. Is. Bullshit," declared the purple-skinned one.  
  
"Oh, calm down," said the blue.  
  
"It's not fair!" the other one snapped back. King Kai sighed and let his brother go on a rant, seeing his attempts were futile. "'You'll understand some day'!" mocked the West Kai; abruptly, he stomped his feet, shouting out for everyone to hear, "Yeah..SOMEDAY WHEN WE'RE INSANE!"  
  
King Kai spun around and shouted back, "WOULD YOU SHUT UP!? WE HAVE BIGGER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT!!" His brother sputtered in disbelief, ready to pounce when the South and East kais grabbed a hold of each arm, restraining him.  
  
"He's right," said the East, "We've got bigger problems, and fighting each other is just a waste of time. Let's go." The four of them left to make sense of the rapidly deteriorating universe. Things were not looking up.  
  
***  
  
Goku sat with Pikkon at a cafe, both of them sipping grande lattes. "Are you sure you're feeling okay?" the green-skinned partner asked again for the seventh time.  
  
"I'm fine," Goku assured, "Really. In fact, I feel better than I have all day."  
  
Pikkon sighed, gulping down the rest of his coffee, "You were acting really goofy, you know that?"  
  
Goku shook his head, absentmindedly stirring his latte with a spoon, "I don't know..it's kinda fuzzy. Once those..snakes did whatever they did, everything felt so clear again. It was like a fog had been lifted over my mind."  
  
Pikkon looked up, briefly wondering how well the gods were doing before he returned his attention to the Saijin in front of him, "What did they do to you?"  
  
Goku shrugged and finished his drink in one down, "Said some incantations, that's all. Something about reawakening my powers? It doesn't really make sense. I don't feel any different."  
  
Pikkon made a gesture, "Yea, but you certainly look a little different."  
  
The black-haired man sighed as he examined his tail, "Maybe it restored me back to my original state of being that has the highest power level?"  
  
Pikkon nodded in agreement, the conclusion sounding reasonable to him, "I'm sure that's it." Goku made a small noise that resembled a "hn". Pikkon raised an eyeridge at the tone of the sound - it was indecisive. "What is it?" his partner asked, watching Goku as the man watched his own tail loop around in the air.  
  
"It's just that I thought if I grew my tail back it'd be its natural color," Goku commented dryly, "not white."  
  
***  
  
Bulma sat in the waiting room doing precisely what the title of the room suggested. However, when it came to how she was waiting, it was simply impatiently. Her boyfriend's eccentric behavior had finally taken its toll on her nerves. She figured Vegeta might be right, and he could be suffering from some chronic case of narcolepsy, or some shit like that. She wasn't an expert on the subject, but she did know that sleeping disorders tended to make the effected person a bit _off_. So with the way Vegeta had been acting recently, she wouldn't rule narcolepsy out.  
  
Trunks sat beside her reading a health magazine. She then wondered why hospitals couldn't have more decent things to read, like Cosmo, Seventeen, or YM. At least when you were waiting for a hair cut you could take a quiz and find out if you "Have a Mind of Your Own". She might also of had the luck to find something in the magazine that'd give her advice about her current relationship with the Saijin prince. Speaking of which, he kept rubbing his temple and muttering, "Mein Kopf ist kaputt...mein Kopf ist kaputt..mein Kopf ist kaputt..." She had to wonder when the Hell he picked that up.  
  
A nurse opened a door and every face looked up. "Vegeta? Is there a Vegeta here?" she asked in a nasally voice.  
  
The brunette stood and approached her, "That's me." Bulma unconsciously calmed when she heard him speaking English again.  
  
"Right this way," she gestured, chewing her bubble gum loudly, not caring if the smacking irritated anyone. Bulma watched Vegeta disappear behind the door and she hoped that when he came out, he'd come back with, at least, some answers.  
  
Vegeta was sat in a chair in the hallway as the nurse ran off to do an errand and "return shortly". He looked around, but all that adorned the walls were medical charts, and inspirational photographs. In other words, it was exceedingly dull. The nurse returned a few minutes later and directed the stoic prince to a small side room. "Stand here," she instructed, and he did so. The object which he stood on didn't have an exact firmness, but the movement wasn't even enough to make a human go off balance. Across the top were some numbers and slide rules. Kind of like an abacus, he thought. As the nurse fiddled around with whatever device he was on, he suddenly realized that he'd never stepped foot into a hospital - at least - he'd never made it past the waiting room. This was new territory for him.  
  
"One hundred and twenty-five pounds and six ounces," the lady proclaimed, writing it down on a clipboard.  
  
"What's that?" Vegeta asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"How much you weigh," the nurse proclaimed.  
  
"That can't be right! I weighed well over one hundred and forty 'pounds' on Vegeta!" the prince protested, giving her a very stubborn, very deadly, questionative look.  
  
The middle-aged woman didn't seem phased, "Look, bud. I don't know where this 'Vegeta' is, but here on Earth you weigh one twenty-five and six extra, ok?"  
  
The prince did the equivalent of pouting and folded his arms, "Very well." She leaned over and pulled something up from the device he was on. He blinked as he watched this bendable stick rise and then slowly descend.  
  
"Look straight ahead, please, sir," the nurse demanded more than requested. Vegeta growled lightly but complied, feeling his hair depress as the metal..thing rested on top of him. "Five two and one fourth," the lady announced, putting the marked stick back. She wrote this down too.  
  
"What's five two and one fourth?" he asked. She picked up an object and pressed it to his ear, a moment later it beeped and she murmured to herself and wrote down a figure. "What's five two and one fourth!?" he asked again, forcefully.  
  
"It's how big you are," she replied nonchalantly as she wrote more things down on the form she had.  
  
Vegeta blinked, then snarled, "I am _not_! That's so degrading for a Saijin! How could you say that!?"  
  
The nurse threw him a look, "I'm telling you that's the way it is."  
  
Vegeta shook his head and pointed his finger accusingly, "I think you're lying! I can prove it too!"  
  
The lady actually put her pen down to pay attention to just him, "Try me." Summing up his courage, the prince quickly dropped his pants before standing up straight and puffing out his chest. The nurse stopped chewing her gum before she said, "Five feet, two and one fourth inches. That's how tall you are from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet."  
  
Vegeta blushed and pulled up his clothes, muttering, "Oh."  
  
"Your body temperature is a little below normal, mind if I take it again? It might've heated up from that stunt," the lady said with a crooked smile.  
  
"Do what you will," Vegeta mocked, "You're the professional."  
  
She pressed the instrument to his ear, waited for the beep, then proclaimed, "That can't be right."  
  
Vegeta replied, "What?"  
  
She cleared her throat, "Fifty eight degrees." She pressed again, waited again, and read again when the beep came, "That's more like it. Ninety seven point one. That's what it was before." She then began to ask him some questions: "Allergic to anything?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Ever had a serious illness?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Broken a bone?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Have or had a sexually transmitted disease?"  
  
"No way! That's nasty! I'm not going to defile myself with these stupid human viruses!"  
  
"Some of it's bacteria."  
  
"I don't care! It's not going to...to effect..."  
  
"Your bits and pieces?"  
  
"My what?"  
  
"Bits and pieces, you know..twig and berries. Your one-eyed monster."  
  
"What the _fuck_ are you talking about?"  
  
"What planet are you from and what do they call it?"  
  
"Call what!? And I'm from Vegeta, thank you very much."  
  
"Your penis that isn't five two and one fourth. How could you not understand?"  
  
"Why don't you just call it a penis!?"  
  
"Buddy - this is America. I can call it your throbbing cock if I want to."  
  
"I thought a cock was a chicken of some sort!?"  
  
"You really _are_ from another planet, aren't you?"  
  
Vegeta was going to rant off that yes, he was from a different planet, and as a matter-of-fact, he was the prince of said planet, when the nurse abruptly walked around the corner leaving him to himself. He snapped him mouth shut in anger and folded his arms again. Her head suddenly poked out and she queried, "The doctor will see you now. Are you going to follow me, or what?" He opted to follow her, wishing to get out of the Hell-hole known as the hospital.  
  
He was seated in a small room which had a bed-like thing, a sink, a cabinet, and two chairs. The doctor was fiddling with something at the sink so the nurse said, "Take a seat." He went for the chair and she shook her head. He raised an eyebrow and she pointed towards the bed..thing. He sat down and it made a loud crinkling noise. It annoyed him. After the nurse turned and left the doctor finished up. Vegeta peered at his blond hair that was slicked back.  
  
"Hey-hey!" the doctor quipped, smiling at Vegeta from over his shoulder.  
  
Vegeta was incredulous, "I know you!"  
  
***  
  
"What now?" Jeice asked as he braided Zarbon's hair.  
  
Cell tapped his finger against his forearm as he spun around in an office chair he'd jacked, "We should find Little Bitch..who knows what kind of trouble he's in."  
  
Burter lifted his head and exhaled slowly, a puff of smoke filling the air, "Here, here. I concur."  
  
Zarbon looked at him oddly before it changed to an expression of disgust, "I told him not to talk to that 'Willy' character. 'Good price,' said the old man. 'Magic green herbs from Earth,' Burter said. 'Half off,' said the old man. Burter just _had_ to have them. It smells too sweet to inhale, maybe you're supposed to chew it." Cell listened to them patiently as he picked up his carton of milk and sipped on it.  
  
Guldo examined the twisted, almost cigarette, "I don't know.."  
  
Zarbon cut in, "Oh come on, didn't you think that just maybe the old guy might've been so magically enhanced already that he had no idea what he was saying when he told Burter to light and inhale?" They watched their teammate as he laughed to himself, inhaling more. "Maybe it is magical," Zarbon muttered.  
  
Suddenly, Cell leapt up, yelling incoherently as milk came out of his nose. "What the Hell!? What is it!?" Jeice shouted, trying his best to not get sprayed with milk. With drool dribbling down his chin, Cell pointed to his milk carton. They leaned over and read:  
  


Have You Seen This Person?  
Name: Kaioshin  
Date of Birth: Unknown  
Sex: Male  
Height: 4' 11"  
Weight: Unknown  
Place of Birth: Unknown  
Hair: White  
Eyes: Black  
Race: Supreme God  
Individuals with information concerning this case should take no action themselves, but instead should immediately contact the nearest Office for the Non-Living or simply draw a door with chalk on a brick wall and knock three times. 


	11. X: Vegeta's Third Mood Swing

**X: Vegeta's Third Mood Swing**  
  
"Hey-hey!" the doctor beamed, grinning from ear to ear, "I know you, too! Mr. Customer, right-o!"  
  
Vegeta blinked as the events finally settled into his brain, "Wait just a sec...you were poorer than a rock a few days ago! Why are you a doctor now!?"  
  
The squirrelly guy shhed him, "Hey, quiet down! Truth is..I'm not really a doctor. The good news is that I've been to the doctor's enough that I know exactly what to do."  
  
Vegeta interjected, clenching his hands into fists, "But you don't even know what I'm coming in to be treated for! You'd have no idea how to treat me even if you were able to examine me properly!"  
  
The blond shook his head, ignoring Vegeta's lack of faith in him, "It's not hard at all, and the best part is that when I finally do start to convulse because of failure in a vital organ, they'll be sure to give me an operation!" Putting a stethoscope in his ears, the man requested, "Okay, I'm going to want you to breathe deeply."  
  
Vegeta glanced at the name tag he bore and said, "So is your name really Edmond or is that just the name of the guy you most likely killed?"  
  
The cold instrument was pressed against the Saijin's chest, "No, I didn't kill him; and yes, my name is Edmond. Now breathe deeply, please, my patient."  
  
Vegeta furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, "Isn't Edmond a first name?"  
  
The blond muttered something, then spoke louder, "Yeah, that's my first name. Now what am I--OH! That's right...Please take off your shirt." Vegeta pulled back and made an assessment before hesitantly pulling off his shirt. The stethoscope was placed against his chest again. "Now breathe deeply," Edmond instructed gain, listening carefully. Vegeta complied and wondered what the quack was going to tell him. "Sounds good," Edmond commented, pulling back and removing the instrument from his ears. He reached into his front pocket and pulled out a stick. "Open up," the doctor said, and the prince did so. "Say 'ah'," said Edmond. Vegeta growled loudly. "Not THAT'S creepy," Edmond commented, then asked, "How can you do that? You sound like a rabid dog."  
  
Vegeta glared fixedly at the blond, then he finally said, "Ah."  
  
Ed threw away the little wooden stick and announced, "Time to test your reflexes!" Vegeta put his shirt back on and crossed his arms. The doctor extracted an odd device from the cabinet and then proceeded to whack Vegeta in the knee. "Uh...do you feel that??" Edmond asked in astonishment as he smashed the little hammer against Vegeta.  
  
"What? You want me to respond?" the prince replied, watching Ed try his best to, as it seemed, cause him pain, or at least discomfort.  
  
"Yes! This is a test of your reflexes! So far I've been able to come to the conclusion that you either have an extremely delayed response time or you don't even feel this at all!" the doctor informed, stopping his barrage of attacks to take a breather.  
  
"Hit me again," Vegeta said calmly.  
  
"What?" Edmond blinked in surprise.  
  
"Sure, go for it, I promise I'll give you my first reflex," the brunette said with sincerity. Edmond shrugged and readied his weapon. He brought it down and, the fraction of a second it touched the prince's skin, the doctor found himself writhing in pain.  
  
Gasping for the air that had been knocked out of him, Ed crumpled to the ground, "What...HEEEEEEEH....the....HEEHHEEHHEEEEEH....HELL!?"  
  
Vegeta laughed at the weakling on the floor, "I told you I'd give you my first reflex, that just happened to be my fist deciding that it wanted to ram itself into your stomach."  
  
After a few minutes of enduring the pain, the doctor shakily got to his feet, "Okay...didn't see you move....good..reflex. Let's read the eye chart?" They went into the hall and Vegeta stood behind a line and was given an object to cover one eye. "Please read from top to bottom," Ed wheezed, then mumbled something about pissing blood.  
  
Vegeta kept his one eye covered:  
"I.  
A - M.  
W - A - T.  
C - H - I -N.  
G - Y - O - U - A.  
N - D - Y - O - U - W.  
I - L - L - N - O - T - E.  
S - C - A - P - E - M - E.  
Copyright 779, Seth."  
  
Edmond raised an eyebrow, thinking it was a joke, "The other eye?"  
  
Vegeta switched, blinked, then slowly read:  
"E.  
F - P.  
T - O - Z.  
L - P - E - D.  
P - E - C - F - D.  
E - D - F - C - Z - P.  
F - E - L - O - P - E - D.  
D - E - F - P - O - T - E - C.  
Copyright 712, National Association for Healthcare and Fitness. Made in China."  
  
Edmond whistled and went to double check his answers. "Hot damn," the human said with a grin, "That's perfect, down to the date and all."  
  
Vegeta smirked as they went back into the small examination room, "Of course. I ate lots of carrots when I was small."  
  
Edmond let him sit in the chair, "We have one last thing to do." Vegeta shrugged - after everything else, one more thing wouldn't be so terribly bad. Having this nutball as a doctor was actually a better experience for him considering all the humor involved. All the doctors on television were too stuffy, but Vegeta almost didn't mind having Edmond as his physical health advisor. Of course he knew the man was full of shit and he'd have to go to a different doctor, but why ruin a nice afternoon? Suddenly Edmond grasped onto Vegeta's crotch, making the prince's eyes go very, very wide. "Now turn your head and cough," Edmond said.  
  
"WHAT!? GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME YOU..YOU...!!" Vegeta seemingly got so frustrated that is brain decided to stop working properly until he managed to fix the problem that had been presented.  
  
"No, really. Turn your head and cough," Edmond repeated, looking more serious now than he'd ever before, which wasn't tough to beat. Vegeta, now the color of a very red lobster, turned his head and coughed. Edmond let him go.  
  
Sputtering in rage, the prince was finally able to think, and therefore, scream, "What the _fuck_ was that for!? You better tell me, or so help me..I _will_ kill you!!"  
  
Edmond shrugged as he explained, "Actually, I have no clue. It's just one of those unexplained things."  
  
Vegeta shook his head in disbelief, "Doesn't it tell you _something_??"  
  
Edmond scratched his head as he picked up his clipboard, "Uh...sure. You figure that out, I'll be right back." And then, Vegeta was left alone.  
  
'Maybe it's to check how well things are functioning...down there,' Vegeta thought to himself, glancing around as if to confirm he was alone. With a large breath, Vegeta reached down his pants and began testing his reactions. Confused, Vegeta kept groping around, 'Everything seems ok, so why do they grab at your testicles?' Extracting his hand and sighing with frustration, Vegeta declared, "Humans are so very strange."  
  
Edmond returned with a grin in place, "Ahh...so you think you have narcolepsy, huh? That's what they said you were in here for." Vegeta merely nodded. The blond handed him a sucker, "Well, you didn't fall asleep on me. Good boy, you're free to go."  
  
Vegeta sulked, 'I knew it. I just _knew_ he wasn't going to help me, the stupid quack.'  
  
***  
  
Goku and Pikkon were walking through a mass of drunken, and overall, crazy people. The two of them each held a tall mocha cappuccino. "Hey!" Goku said abruptly, stopping in surprise.  
  
"What is it? Do you see someone??" Pikkon said, looking everywhere but at Goku who was staring at his hand.  
  
"No," the black-haired Saijin said, tilting his head to the side, "I don't drink coffee.."  
  
Pikkon sighed in disappointment. They were never going to find anyone in the Hell Gang at this rate, "Goku, it's to help you stay awake."  
  
The younger man blinked, "Ooooh. Okay." He downed the entire drink in three seconds flat, then proclaimed, "HOT."  
  
"Oh, it's you two," a familiar voice shouted out over the music and cheering.  
  
Pikkon spun around and was met face to face (or more like face to abdomen, or is it abdomen to face? oh who cares..) with a white-skinned alien, "FREIZA!"  
  
The iceling was minding his own business whilst dancing and wearing Hawaiian clothes, "That's my name, don't wear it out."  
  
Goku spun around rapidly at the name of his old enemy, "Freiza? Where!?" Pikkon watched Goku spin and realized that he looked much like a dog chasing his tail. To help him out, the green-skinned man grabbed his shirt, held him still, and pointed. "Freiza!" Goku gasped, his tail bristling, "What are you doing here!?"  
  
The old tyrant gestured around him, "Enjoying the sights of Earth. It would've been a mistake to blow up such a fine planet. They give you free flower necklaces! Get this! They call it a 'lay'-"  
  
Pikkon interrupted his explanation as he pulled out a pair of handcuffs from under his hat, "You're BUSTED, Freiza!"  
  
The alien ignored him as it appeared he had caught Goku's attention, "-that way when you put it on someone, you can say 'you just got laid'! If that isn't high quality shit, especially from a backwater planet, I don't know what is. But believe-you-me, I know. I used to do planet buying, selling, and trading. It was a hobby of mine when I was alive, you know."  
  
Goku nodded, his tail swaying happily as if he wasn't in danger, and in all honesty, he wasn't, "That was your hobby? I didn't know that. Then what was your job?"  
  
Freiza tossed his head back and laughed, "Job!? Are you kidding? Monkey boy, back in my day I had so much power I didn't _need_ a job. All I had was hobbies. My favorite was killing people."  
  
Goku frowned curtly at that, "That's mean."  
  
Pikkon smacked his hand against his forehead, "That's really great that you two know each other and all, but I'm really going to have to return Freiza to the after-life now."  
  
Freiza stepped away from Pikkon and moved closer to Goku, dancing the entire time, "Hey monkey, do you know how boring Hell is?" Goku shook his head, and Freiza had expected this reaction even though it was a rhetorical question. "No one fights," Freiza said bluntly.  
  
Goku gasped again, this time in horror and disbelief, "NO WAY!"  
  
The prince (you have to assume this because, let's face it, his dad _was_ KING KOLD for fuck's sake) nodded affirmative, "It's so boring. Here, on Earth, there's so much to do. Drugs to try...places to go...people to screw...I'd never tire of it. See all these crazy weaklings?"  
  
As if pre-staged, a male streaker ran by them screaming, "SAVE THE LIZARD!!!"  
  
Freiza jerked his thumb in the maniac's direction, "See guys like him?"  
  
A man with brown hair and grey skin followed, he yelled, "BLOODY HELL! YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO DIE, SO HOLD STILL SO I CAN BASH YOUR BRAINS OUT!"  
  
"See..guys like them, I don't have the urge to kill," Freiza explained, sounding rather proud of himself, "This whole planet is like that. After-life occurring outside the after-life is all about finding out how much more smashed you can become than the day before. Regular after-life is playing un-strip poker, arm wrestling, and counting the blades of grass. After awhile, you name them. After that you start making personalities. When they actually start conversing, you know you have to have a vacation. That's all I want - my vacation. So you wouldn't send me back to Hell, would you?"  
  
Pikkon looked at him like "I can't believe you just said that you stupid piece of shit, how naive do I look? of course I'm going to throw your lame ass back into Hell, you obviously deserved it if you went there in the first place, and I'm not going to let you go just because _you_ think you're redeemed, because it's not up to you whether you're better or not, and other than that, Hell is eternal, so you stay there forever, this isn't like a jail sentence, buckoo, you're stuck, and that's it - no ifs ands or buts". Goku looked at Pikkon with sad eyes, and the elder prepared his "No" speech as well as his "I said no and I mean no" speech.  
  
But the Saijin stood up so he was no longer eye level with the iceling, then promptly said, "Yes."  
  
Freiza stopped dancing, "You'd send me back?"  
  
Goku wagged a disapproving finger at him, "You've been a bad boy, Freiza. Tsk, tsk. I think you need some time out, it'll be good for you." Freiza stared at them and Pikkon readied his cuffs.  
  
"Oh my GOD!" the albino suddenly shouted before pointing behind them, "IT'S CELL IN A HULA SKIRT!" Being the charitable pair of holy men that'd go on a crusade if a youth minister from a local church group jokingly made the suggestion (meaning: they can be easily duped), they turned and looked. When they went to complain about no Cell being present, they found their escapee missing.  
  
"Damn that coffee!" Goku cursed, shaking his fist.  
  
***  
  
Bulma's cell phone rang and after she answered it, she regretted it. "Hello?" Bulma had said in a neutral tone.  
  
In reply was a scream, "GOKU'S BACK! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!?" Oh yay, a distressed wife was going to vent all her negative feelings onto a brilliant scientist who was trying to assess what was wrong with her psychotic, homicidal boyfriend.  
  
She did NOT need this right now, "Well, Chi-chi, it's probably because there's been so much _shit_ happening in my life right now, with Vegeta nearly killing innocent bystanders, being ogled over by the same guys who've wanted to destroy Earth, a ninja breaking into my hotel room, and my son reading Karma Sutra, that I just haven't had the time to stop, think 'Oh, Goku's back!' and call you up!!"  
  
The other lady protested, "But PICCOLO told me!"  
  
The blue-haired genius sighed, "That's nice, Chi-chi, but it's NOT the end of the world. Speaking of which, I think your priorities need to get straightened out. You know why Goku probably stayed in the after-life? He probably couldn't stand your controlling attitude. Hon, if you haven't noticed, he's a free spirit. You can't control these Saijins, so just ACCEPT REALITY ALREADY!" Vegeta stepped out of the door and into the waiting room, the nurse giving him a thumbs up. "Sorry Chi-chi, but Vegeta's here now. I'll call you back," Bulma said before promptly hanging up. Vegeta walked toward his family, the end of a sucker sticking out of the corner of his mouth.  
  
He extracted the candy and stated, "I don't think it's narcolepsy."  
  
As Vegeta continued eating his free food, Trunks finally decided to attempt to speak to his father, "Then what happened yesterday, dad?"  
  
"Hmm?" Vegeta asked, raising an eyebrow, "Oh, that. Don't worry about it."  
  
Bulma stood up and angrily slung her purse onto her shoulder, "DON'T WORRY!? You were going to kill a pregnant woman!"  
  
Vegeta placed his hand against his chest, "Moi? Oh no, no, no, Bulma. You're mistaken. I wouldn't of killed her. Nah. No sport in that. Besides, she wasn't a bad person, you know." He clasped an arm around Trunks' shoulder, "So where're we going today?"  
  
Bulma trailed behind the two males, "Wait! I have to call Chi-chi back. I wasn't very nice to her when she called asking about Goku."  
  
They got into the elevator and Vegeta pushed the button for the Lobby Level, "She only wants to see her husband, that's natural. So who'd she hear the news from?"  
  
Bulma took out her cell phone, "Piccolo."  
  
Vegeta chuckled, "Poor onna. Sounds like she could use a shopping spree."  
  
Bulma paused from dialing in the number, "Poor _what_?"  
  
Vegeta rolled his eyes, "Onna. You know, _onna_. It's Japanese. Christ, don't tell me you don't know your own planet's languages!"  
  
Bulma rolled her eyes, "I'm glad you're an expert in foreign languages."  
  
"Linguist," Vegeta corrected before casually mentioning, "I've had years of practice." 


	12. XI: Something is Very Very Wrong

A/N: This is a big disclaimer, so I'm going to write it big. EVERYTHING WRITTEN HERE IS MEANT IN GOOD HUMOR, AND THERE IS GOOD REASON FOR ALL ACTIONS WHICH TAKE PLACE. YES, IT IS PART OF THE PLOT, AND YES, IT IS ALSO MEANT TO BE FUNNY. Please, please, don't take offense to _anything_. And thank you, Skip! Skip is always very helpful. Go read her stuff in thanks!  
  
**XI: Something is Very Very Wrong**  
  
"Ohayo gozaimasu, Chi-chi-san!"  
  
"Who is this?"  
  
"Wer?? Sie weißen!"  
  
"_Who is this!?_"  
  
"Hahaha. Just messing with you, Chi-chi. This is Vegeta."  
  
"Vegeta?"  
  
"Mm-hmm."  
  
An uncomfortable pause.  
"So why exactly are you calling..?"  
  
"It has come to my attention that my humble girlfriend has been very short with you and has caused you some emotional distress regarding one Namek informing you upon your husband's return."  
  
"Well..y-yes."  
  
"And I said to myself, 'That poor woman! She doesn't deserve this travesty! That sexist pig deserves to be taken down a peg or two.' So I called you up and am now prepared to invite you upon a most amazing adventure."  
  
"What exactly would that be?"  
  
"That fantastic world of shopping! I have a credit card with your name on it! Actually, it says Bulma Briefs, but I think you get the picture. Am I correct?"  
  
"Why are you doing this?"  
  
"BWAHAHAHA! You shouldn't trouble yourself with petty questions like that, they will get you no where. Just think of it as..a display of gratitude for the Saijin race's most appreciated companions. Kakkarot misses you, so please accept this and let us spend a day together while we can."  
  
"I don't know..I'll need a babysitter."  
  
"I'm sure Piccolo can handle that."  
  
"I am not letting that green man take care of my boy again!"  
  
"Touchy, touchy. What about that cue ball...ah...now what's his name...?"  
  
"Krillin?"  
  
"Yes! He'll do. Now it's settled. Until later, Madame Chi-chi."  
  
As Chi-chi hung up the receiver she thought to herself how that was most likely the oddest phone conversation she had ever participated in. She shrugged it off and stepped toward Gohan's room, knocking on the door before entering. Her baby boy looked up from his studies in curiosity, "Yeah, mom?" As Chi-chi gazed at him she smiled warmly - her baby boy wasn't that much of a baby anymore.  
  
"I'm going to go out," she declared, stepping back towards the door, "I was going to find a babysitter, but I think you can take care of yourself and Goten. You're all grown up now, Gohan. ...Well, there's some food in the fridge and don't cause any trouble while I'm out, okay?"  
  
Gohan laughed, giving a thumbs up, "We'll save all our mischief for when you get back."  
  
Thoughts of her husband ran through her head as Chi-chi readied herself to go out in public. Naturally, this meant a change in clothes - multiple times - a fixing of hair, and a touch of make-up. As she finished preparing, she heard the honking of a car horn. 'I guess that's Bulma,' the black-haired lady thought to herself. She grabbed her purse and ran outside to find Vegeta waiting for her, and in a convertible no less.  
  
"Hey there," he said, leaning over and opening the door for her, "Hop in. Bulma and Kakkarot are waiting for us." Hesitantly, the mother of two entered the vehicle, eyeing the Saijin suspiciously. Every time she had seen the older man he'd always been wearing some type of battle suit, but now he was donning pleated khakis, and a casual, rust-colored button-up shirt. A simple pair of Ray Ban(R) sunglasses adorned his face, making him look, oddly enough, like a week-end golfer.  
  
"Buckle up," the brunette said before releasing the emergency (/parking) brake, putting the car in gear, and flooring it. Chi-chi squealed just about as much as the tires as they took off - that is if the tires had been on paved road instead of the dirt one they were zipping down on. Within moments they were leaving the country side and merging onto the highway in the most undignified manner. As Vegeta demonstrated exactly how to perform offensive driving, Chi-chi did something akin to clawing at the dash and shrieking like a cheerleader. She had never felt that her life was at more risk, even when some ugly (or in the case of Vegeta and some of the androids - just brutally sadistic) deranged individual - most likely an alien - threatened to conquer and/or destroy planet Earth.  
  
They arrived at the mall short minutes later, and by then Chi-chi had lost count of how many moving violations the prince had enacted. He whipped into a handi-cap spot, parked the car, reached into the glove box. He removed a proper rearview mirror disability tag. "Y-You're not handicapped," the lady stuttered as she got out of the car, wondering if she would be able to walk properly.  
  
"Sure, if you don't consider being an ex-homicidal maniac a handicap," was his response. He locked the doors, but didn't bother putting up the roof. Instead he spent his time guiding Chi-chi in the direction of her spouse.  
  
It was a tearful reunion for them all, as Chi-chi cried enough for the four of them. "GOKU!" she screamed, pouncing on him like a rabid wolf that hadn't seen meat in three weeks.  
  
"Hi Chi-chi!" Goku replied, giving her a hug even though she was desperately clinging to him, "How are things?"  
  
Chi-chi beamed with pride and joy, "Oh, they're alright. Gohan's doing well in school, and Goten - that's your second son by the way - he just started the seventh grade!"  
  
Goku blinked hard, then finally yelled, "I have another son!?" Vegeta snickered, but quieted himself when Bulma shot him a nasty look.  
  
"Yes, Goku," Chi-chi explained, "Don't you remember..." She leaned in and whispered something, Vegeta's ear literally twitching as she did so. As the younger woman continued to speak with Goku, Vegeta's ability to resist laughter began to rapidly deteriorate.  
  
He ended up bursting out laughing, "Kakkarot, you dog!" Except for some reason this phrase seemed to make him laugh even harder.  
  
"Ah...Vegeta, I don't understand why that's so funny," Goku mentioned, tilting his head to the side.  
  
"And you shouldn't have been listening to our private conversation!" Chi-chi scolded him, pointing her finger accusingly.  
  
"Pardon me," he said with sarcasm, giving a small, elegant bow, "Now are we going to have a 'Bitch-Whine-Moan-and-Complain-at-Vegeta-Fest' or are we going to shop?"  
  
Bulma shook her head, "Whatever, Vegeta, you hate shopping."  
  
Vegeta slowly began walking off, "No, you're mistaken. I don't like shopping for or with anyone but myself. But I'll make an exception today."  
  
"And why are you going to do that?"  
  
"Because," was all the response she got, and, giving in, she followed after the prince before he got too far away. Consequently, Goku and Chi-chi headed after Vegeta as well, both of them, as well as Bulma, pondering the brunette's off-beat mood. They soon caught up as Vegeta had stopped in his tracks. "I have no idea where I'm going or what any of these stores hold," the Saijin admitted, putting his hands in his pockets leisurely, "so I guess you ladies will have to lead the way." Bulma grinned and began taking over as the leader figure, guiding them towards the outlets which she knew herself and Chi-chi would highly enjoy.  
  
Standing about two hours of torture, the two Saijins were very relieved to be able to finally leave the store, even though they both had sacks of merchandise to carry. For warriors of their strength, however, the bags felt like nothing. Even still, Vegeta was becoming obviously more and more restless. "Woman!" he called out to Bulma who was walking behind him and talking heatedly with Chi-chi.  
  
"What!" she called out, annoyed by his intrusion.  
  
"I want some Saijin-Male-Only time! You and that woman of Kakkarot can sit on this upcoming bench and watch your possessions at your leisure!" informed Vegeta in a very professional tone.  
  
"Uh..sure," Bulma said, taking a seat while Vegeta and Goku set all the new belongings down.  
  
"So now what?" Goku asked innocently, quite taken aback by Vegeta's good behavior.  
  
"Hm. This way," the prince instructed, heading in what appeared to be some random direction, disappearing around a corner and out of sight, which is exactly what he wanted. As soon as Vegeta was certain neither of the "wives" could see them, he gave a sigh of relief. "They can be so _uptight_!" the older man pointed out, glancing back and forth into the shops to see if any of them interested him.  
  
"Well..I guess so," Goku hesitantly admitted, scratching the back of his head. They walked for a few minutes without a verbal exchange.  
  
Finally, Vegeta spoke again, "Let's go in here." The next thing Goku knew, Vegeta was bounding all across the store looking at the variety of clothing. "Holy shit! Would you look at this? I didn't know they made clothes like this! Look, Kakkarot! Iridescent! Now if that isn't the shit..." the prince gestured to the item in regard, "Damn, times have really changed."  
  
Goku leaned in and murmured, "Hey, could you keep your voice down? There's a kid here, and his mom doesn't look too pleased with you."  
  
Vegeta stared at Goku and shrugged, saying simply, "Well, I guess the bitch can be mad at me all she wants, because by the time any kid hits the fifth grade nowadays they know all the curse words and the latest gang slang. So you know what? She can cry a fucking river and drown in it for all I care." Abruptly the prince turned his attention back to the clothes, humming a tune to himself as he browsed.  
  
Glancing at the lady who was now glaring at both of them, Goku pulled on Vegeta's arm and lead them toward a more secluded spot to talk, "Vegeta, what has been up with you? You've been acting very strange all day."  
  
"I'm just trying to enjoy myself, Kakkarot. Is it so wrong to want to buy something for myself? Or attempt to make up for my misbehavior - i.e. trying to blow up Earth - to you, my woman, and your woman?"  
  
Goku frowned slightly then shrugged, "I guess not..."  
  
Vegeta lightly squirmed out of Goku's grasp, "Then let me look at this wacky shit, ok?"  
  
Goku smiled, chuckling slightly, "Okay."  
  
Vegeta tossed him a look over his shoulder, "You buy something too. I want to see you wearing something other than that bright orange crap and stuff your woman has bought for you." Before Goku could reply Vegeta began talking to a sales clerk. Twenty minutes later, the two full-blooded Saijins walked back towards their significant others, carrying a bag of clothing each.  
  
"I feel so weird," Goku admitted, pulling on his shirt.  
  
"You look fine," Vegeta assured him again, then smirked, "You have to admit it feels good getting out of clothing you wear day in and day out."  
  
Goku nodded in affirmation, "It definitely feels awkward to wear new shoes."  
  
Vegeta, for no apparent reason, then declared, "Yeah. Socks are the shit, man." He then raised his pant leg up and hopped on one foot, extending his left ankle, "Check out mine." Goku was amused at the sight of his rigid, ever scowling ally wearing a pair of black and green vertically striped socks. "Vertical stripes make you look taller," Vegeta announced, and then decided to add, "I can't wait to see the look on their faces." They came around the corner, neither of the women looking up.  
  
Meanwhile, outside, a person casually walked up to Vegeta's car, tried to open the door, failed, and then cursed, "Damn!" The figure promptly stormed off.  
  
Meanwhile, Vegeta and Goku were approaching Bulma and Chi-chi, both quite anxious to hear what the females would have to say regarding their new outfits. They came closer and closer, but still the pair did not look up. Finally, they were standing directly in front of them. After overhearing a good seven minutes of conversation, Chi-chi suddenly stopped as she realized there were two gazes fixed upon herself and her friend. "What?" she asked, then looked up and froze in place. Bulma turned as well and soon found herself speechless, her jaw dropping. "W-what in the world!" Chi-chi hollered, standing up and examining her husband, "Where are your clothes!?"  
  
Goku opened up his bag and showed his normal outfit, "I still have it. I wanted a change, Chi-chi. I like these clothes, I picked them out."  
  
"..." was all his wife could muster. She took in his grey leopard fur panel shirt with dice shaped buttons, his silver 32" wide pant legs, and then the black leather boots that poked out from underneath the pants. Bulma had a similar reaction to Vegeta with his black fishnet shirt that had PVC on the arm and chest, his black leather pants, and his matching black combat boots.  
  
Finally Bulma had the courage to say it, "What the _fuck_ did you two do to yourselves!?"  
  
"If you don't like it I would kindly suggest you filling out a complaint form and submitting it to my mailbox in which I will respond in a timely manner when it is most convenient to me," Vegeta responded curtly, picking up Bulma's bags, "Now I'm hungry, so let us dine." By his body language alone the others could tell the conversation was over. The Saijins were going to wear what they wanted to wear, and that was that. Of course, this didn't mean that they had to like it. An uncomfortable silence ensued on the way to the Food Court, and then continued on while they sat themselves down. Bulma and Chi-chi immediately arose again, finding themselves sorely disappointed with their mates.  
  
"We'll go order," Bulma said, and then they were gone. Vegeta drummed lightly on the table, knowing that the wait would be long, and undoubtingly boring. All he had for entertainment was Kakkarot and he was currently staring at some speck on the table with a blank expression on his face. Then something caught the prince's eyes. A tail. A white tail. Kakkarot's tail, to be exact. A mischievous grin slowly spread across Vegeta's face, and he caught Goku's attention, "Hey, Kakkarot."  
  
"Hmm?" the young man looked up at him.  
  
"Your pants are like a mirror, I can see myself in them."  
  
"I'm partial to silver myself!" Goku said, making a noise that was strikingly, or frighteningly, like a giggle.  
  
"Err...right," Vegeta said before standing up, "Look, I have to go to the bathroom. Kakkarot, come with me."  
  
"Sure thing, Vegeta!" Goku responded, not at all stopping to think that the entire situation was off. Goku hadn't had to use a public restroom often, so he wasn't quite aware of all the unwritten laws regarding them. They headed down a long hallway towards the restrooms, which the only reason Vegeta could tell why they'd make it such a long walk is to torture the poor people and damage their bladders. Either way, it didn't really matter because Vegeta's bladder wasn't demanding immediate release. Finally, Vegeta pushed open the door and stepped inside. It was deathly quiet, and no one was occupying any of the urinals, which did seem a bit odd to Goku considering he knew the mall was full of people and this seemed likely to be a busy place. His thoughts regarding the where-abouts of others was thrown out the window as Vegeta suddenly hauled off and socked him. Crying out in surprise, Goku tumbled into the nearest wall, shattering the tile.  
  
"Vegeta! What are you doing!?" Goku shouted out, half hurt, half angry. The prince spun around to make a roundhouse kick, but a hand reached up and stopped him by grasping his calf. So instead he leapt in the air and kicked with his other foot, his steel-toed boot connecting with Goku's jaw enough to hurt, but not enough to damage. "What the!?" Goku screamed, scrambling to his feet as he began to get very frustrated with Vegeta's behavior; but the instant he was up Vegeta had pounced, and they both went careening to the other side of the room, Vegeta growling low in his throat. They struggled briefly, but every time Goku was gaining the advantage, Vegeta would overtake him with grace and ease. Agitated beyond comprehension, the taller man grappled his ki and turned Super Saijin, successfully giving himself the upper edge. And that is exactly why he was so surprised when Vegeta knocked him to the ground and pinned him there.  
  
Breathing hard, Goku wondered what Vegeta's next intentions were, "..Vegeta?"  
  
There was a wicked gleam in the brunette's eye, "Kakkarot."  
  
And then suddenly, a stall door opened and a man came out. Vegeta looked up and the man stared in shock. "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!" the prince roared, instantly making the man flee back to the safety of the stall. With the diversion out of the way, Vegeta focused back on more important matters.  
  
"Vegeta, wha-" Goku never got finish his sentence.  
  
***  
  
Bulma and Chi-chi approached their unattended bags and began to grow very angry. "Where are they!?" Bulma seethed as she nearly slammed their huge order of food down.  
  
Chi-chi set down the other half, "I don't know, but I hope they have a good excuse for just leaving all our stuff unguarded!" Bulma nodded in agreement and began to prepare the table for lunch, Chi-chi helping. After a moment, Bulma glanced up to see the two heading towards them.  
  
"Oh, here they come," the blue-haired lady announced, standing up straight and crossing her arms. When they got within ear shot she demanded, "Ok. So where did you two go?"  
  
Vegeta shrugged and grinned wide, "I just had to use the restroom."  
  
Bulma raised an eyebrow and tapped a finger against her forearm, "And what about Goku, hmm?" All three of them looked at the other Saijin who stumbled into the booth, looking dazed.  
  
"Goku, honey, are you okay?" Chi-chi asked in concern, leaning over and placing the back of her hand against his forehead, "You look a little flushed." Goku affirmed that he was okay, despite his trembling body.  
  
Meanwhile, at the Son Household, there was a knock on the door. 


End file.
